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THE LIARS 



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THE LIARS 

AN ORIGINAL COMEDY 

IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 

HENRY ARTHUR JONES 

AUTHOR OF 

THE TEMPTER," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," " THE CRUSAD- 
ERS," "jUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS SUSAN," "THE DANCING 
GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN," "THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE 
TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES," " THE MASQUERADERS," 
"THE PHYSICIAN," "THE MANCEUVERS OF JANE," 
"CARNAC SAHIB," "THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," 
"THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE," ETC. 



' ' Above all things, tell no untruth ; no, not in trifles ; the 
custom of it is naughty." — Sir Henry Sidney's letter to his son 
Philip Sidney. 



Neto ¥orft 
THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

LONDON : MACMILLAN & CO., Ltd. ; 
I 90 I 






The library of 
congress, 

Two Cu-t£S Received 

NOV. 21 190? 

Copyright entry 

CLASS £$ XXc Ho. 

/ /St 
COPY J. 



Copyright, 1901, by 
THE MACMILLAN COMPANY. 



PRESS OF 
V ERA PRINTING COMPANY, 
LANCASTER,, PA. , , , 



PERSONS REPRESENTED. 

Colonel Sir Christopher Deering. 

Edward Falkner. 

Gilbert Nepean, Lady Jessica's husband. 

George Nepean, Gilbert's brother. 

Freddie Tatton, Lady Rosamund's husband. 

Archibald Coke, Dolly's husband. 

Waiter at " The Star and Garter." 

Gadsby, footman at Freddie Tatton' s. 

Taplin, Sir Christopher's servant. 

Footman at Cadogan Gardens. 

Lady Jessica Nepean ) 

> sisters. 
Lady Rosamund Tatton j 

Dolly Coke, their cousin. 

Beatrice Ebernoe. 

Mrs. Crespin. 

Ferris, Lady Jessica's maid. 



"The Liars" was produced at the Criterion 
Theatre, under the management of Mr. Charles 
Wyndham, on Wednesday, the 6th of October, 
1897, and ran there (excepting the summer vaca- 
tion) till the 2d of November, 1898. 

The original cast was as follows : 

Colonel Sir Christopher Deering . . Mr. Charles Wyndham. 

Edward Falkner Mr. T. B. Thalberg. 

Gilbert Nepean Mr. Herbert Standing. 

George Nepean Mr. Leslie Ken yon. 

Freddie Tatton Mr. A. Vane Tempest. 

Archibald Coke Mr. Alfred Bishop. 

Waiter at " The Star and Garter" . Mr. Paul Berton. 

Taplin Mr. R. Lambart. 

Gadsby Mr. C. Terric 

Footman Mr. A. Eliot. 

Mrs. Crespin .......... Miss Janette Steer. 

Beatrice Ebernoe .... ... Miss Cynthia Brooke. 

Dolly Coke Miss Sarah Brooke. 

Ferris Miss M. Barton. 

Lady Rosamund Tatton Miss Irene Vanbrugh. 

Lady Jessica Nepean Miss Mary Moore. 



ACT I. 

Scene. — Tent on the Lawn of Freddie Tatton's 

House in the Thames Valley, after 

Dinner, on a Summer Evening. 



ACT II. 

Scene. — Private Sitting-Room Number Ten at 

"The Star and Garter" at Shepperford 

on the following monday evening. 

ACT III. 

Scene. — Lady Rosamund's Drawing-Room, Cado- 
gan Gardens, Chelsea, on Tuesday Morning. 

ACT IV. 

Scene. — Sir Christopher Deering's Rooms in 

Victoria Street on the Tuesday 

Evening. 



Time. — The Present. 



ACT I. 

Scene : Interior of a large tent on the lawn of Freddie Tat- 
TON's house in the Thames valley. The roof of the tent 
slopes up from the back of the stage. An opening at back 
discovers the lawn, a night scene of a secluded part of the 
Thames, and the opposite bank beyond. Small opening L. 
The tent is of Eastern material, splendidly embroidered in rich 
Eastern colours. The floor is planked and some rugs are laid 
down. The place is comfortably furnished for summer tea 
and smoking room. Several little tables, chairs and lounges, 
most of them of basket-work. On the table spirit-decanters, 
soda-water bottles, cigars, cigarettes, empty coffee cups, match- 
box, etc. Some plants in the corners. Lamps and candles 
lighted. 

Time : After dinner on a summer evening. 

Discover Archibald CoKEand ''Freddie " Tatton. 
Coke, a tall, pompous, precise man, about fifty, is 
seated at side table smoking. Freddie, a nervous 
weedy little creature about thirty, with no whiskers, 
and nearly bald, with a squeaky voice, is walking 
about. 

Freddie. [Very excited, very voluble, very squeaky. ] 

It's all very well for folks to say, " Give a woman 
her head; don't ride her on the curb." But I tell 
you this, Coke, when a fellow has got a wife like 



2 THE LIARS act i 

mine, or Jess, it's confoundedly difficult to get her to 
go at all, without a spill, eh ? 

Coke. It is perplexing to know precisely how to 
handle a wife [drinks, signs'] — very perplexing ! 

Freddie. Perplexing? It's ad — ee — d silly riddle 
without any answer! You know I didn't want to 
have this house-party for the Regatta — [Coke looks 
at kim.~\ — I beg your pardon. Of course I wanted 
to have you and Dolly, and I didn't mind Gilbert 
and Jess. But I didn't want to have Falkner here. 
He's paying a great deal too much attention to Jess, 
and Jess doesn't choke him off as she should. Well, 
I thoroughly made up my mind if Jess came, Falk- 
ner shouldn't. 

Coke. Yes ? 

Freddie. Well, Rosamund said he should. So 
I stuck out, and she stuck out, in fact we both stuck 
out for a week. I was determined he shouldn't 
come. 

Coke. Then why did you give in ? 

Freddie. I didn't. 

Coke. But he's here ! 

Freddie. Yes ; but only for a few days. Rosa- 
mund invited him, unknown to me, and then — well 
— you see, I was obliged to be civil to the fellow. 
[ Very confidential. ] I say, Coke — we' re tiled in, aren' t 
we ? Candidly, what would you do if you had a wife 
like Rosamund? 

Coke. [Sententious ly.~\ Ah! Just so! [Drinks. 



act I THE LIARS 



Freddie. You're the lucky man of us three, Coke. 
Coke. I must own my wife has some good points 



Freddie. Dolly got good points ! I should think 
she has ! 

Coke. But she's terribly thoughtless and frivolous. 

Freddie. So much the better. Give me a woman 
that lets a man call his soul his own. That's all I 
want, Coke, to call my soul my own. And — [reso- 
lutely] some of these days — [very resolutely] I will, 
that's all ! 

Enter Mrs. Crespin, a sharp, good-looking woman 
beiwee?i thirty and thirty-five. 

Mrs. C. Is Mr. Gilbert Nepean leaving for 
Devonshire to-night? 

Freddie. Yes. He takes the eleven thirty-four 
slow and waits for the down fast at Reading. 

Mrs. C. To-night? 

Freddie. Yes. His steward, Crampton, has been 
robbing him for years, and now the fellow has bolted 
with a heap of money and a farmer's wife. 

Mrs. C. Mr. Nepean must go to-night? 

Freddie. Yes. Why ? 

Mrs. C. Lady Jessica and Mr. Falkner have 
gone for a little moonlight row. I thought Mr. 
Nepean might like to stay and steer. 

Freddie. Oh, Lady Jessica knows the river well. 

Mrs. C. Ah, then Mr. Nepean can look after the 
steward. After all, no husband need emphasize the 



4 THE LIARS act i 

natural absurdity of his position by playing cox to 
another man's stroke, need he? 

Enter Colonel Sir Christopher Deering, a genial 
handsome Englishman about thirty-eighty and 
George Nepean, a dark, rather heavy -looking 
man about the same age. 

Sir C. Oh, nonsense, Nepean; you're mistaken! 

George. You'd better say a word to Falkner 

Sir C. [With a warning look.'] Shush ! 

George. If you don't, I shall drop a very strong 
hint to my brother. 

Sir C. [More peremptorily.] Shush, shush ! 

Freddie. What's the matter? 

Sir C. Nothing, Freddie, nothing ! Our friend 
here [trying to link his arm in George's — George 
stands off] is a little old-fashioned. He doesn't 
understand that in all really innocent flirtations ladies 
allow themselves a very large latitude indeed. In 
fact, from my very modest experience with the sex — 
take it for what it's worth — I should say the more in- 
nocent the flirtation, the larger the latitude the lady 
allows herself, eh, Mrs. Crespin ? 

Mrs. C. Oh, we are all latitudinarians at heart. 

Sir C. Yes ; but a lady who practises extensively 
as a latitudinarian rarely becomes a — a — a longitu- 
dinarian, eh? 

Mrs. C. Oh, I wouldn't answer for her ! It's a 
horrid, wicked world ; and if once a woman allows 



act I THE LIARS 5 

one of you wretches to teach her the moral geog- 
raphy of it, it's ten to one she gets her latitude and 
longitude mixed before she has had time to look at 
the map. [Goes up to opening, and looks off. 

Freddie. [To Sir Christopher.] I say, I'm 
awfully sorry about this. You know I told Rosa- 
mund how it would be if we had Falkner here 

Sir C. [Draws Freddie aside. ~\ Shush ! Tell 
Lady Rosamund to caution Lady Jessica 

Freddie. I will. But Rosamund generally does 
just the opposite of what I tell her. Don't be sur- 
prised, old fellow, if you hear some of these days 
that I've — well, don't be surprised. 

Sir C. At what ? 

Freddie. Well, I shall — now, candidly, old fel- 
low — we're tiled in, quite between ourselves — if you 
found yourself landed as I am, what would you do ? 

Sir C. You mean if I found myself married? 

Freddie. Yes. 

Sir C. I should make the best of it. 

[George comes up to them. Mrs. Crespin 
co7nes from back of tent. 

George. [To Sir C.] Then it's understood that 
you'll give Falkner a hint? 

Sir C. My dear fellow, surely your brother is the 
best judge 

George. Of what he doesn't see? 

Sir C. He's here. 



6 THE LIARS act i 

George. He's leaving for Devonshire to-night — 
unless I stop him. Will that be necessary ? 

Sir C. No. Falkner is my friend. I introduced 
him to Lady Jessica. If you insist, I'll speak to him. 
But I'm sure you're wrong. He's the very soul of 
honour. I didn't live with him out there those three 
awful years without knowing him. 

George. I don't see what your living three years 
in Africa with him has got to do with it. 

Mrs. C. Let's see how it works out. Falkner 
behaves most gallantly in Africa. Falkner rescues 
Mrs. Ebernoe. Falkner splendidly avenges Colonel 
Ebernoe's death, and strikes terror into every slave- 
dealer's heart. Falkner returns to England covered 
with glory. A grateful nation goes into a panic of 
admiration, and makes itself slightly ridiculous over 
Falkner. Falkner is the lion of the season. There- 
fore we may be quite sure that Falkner won't make 
love to any pretty woman who comes in his way. 
It doesn't seem to work out right. 

Sir C. But Falkner is not an ordinary man, not 
even an ordinary hero. 

Mrs. C. My dear Sir Christopher, the one cruel 
fact about heroes is that they are made of flesh and 
blood ! Oh, if only they were made of waxwork, 
or Crown Derby ware, or Britannia metal ; but, 
alas and alas ! they're always made of flesh and 
blood. 

Coke. Where did Falkner come from? What 
were his people ? 



act I THE LIARS 7 

Sir C. His grandfather was what Nonconformists 
call an eminent divine, his father was a rich city 
merchant; his mother was a farmer's daughter. 
Falkner himself is a — well, he's a Puritan Don 
Quixote, mounted on Pegasus. 

Mrs. C. Put a Puritan Don Quixote on horse- 
back, and he'll ride to the — Lady Jessica, eh? 

Sir C. Hush ! He'll love and he'll ride away. 

Mrs. C. [Significantly. ~\ I sincerely hope so. 

Coke. I must say that Falkner is less objection- 
able than Dissenters generally are. I have an un- 
conquerable aversion to Dissenters. 

Sir C. Oh, I hate 'em ! But they saved Eng- 
land, hang 'em ! And I'm not sure whether they're 
not the soundest part of the nation to-day. 

Mrs. C. Oh, pray don't tell them so, just as 
they're getting harmless and sensible — and a little 
artistic. 

[A piano is played very softly and beauti- 
fully at a distance of some twenty 
yards. They all listen. 

Mrs. C. Is that Mrs. Ebernoe ? 

Sir C. Yes. 

Mrs. C. What a beautiful touch she has ? 

Sir C. She has a beautiful nature. 

Mrs. C. Indeed ! I thought she was a little stiff 
and unsociable. But perhaps we are too frivolous. 

Sir C. Perhaps. And she hasn't quite recovered 
from poor Ebernoe' s death. 



8 THE LIARS act i 

Enter Lady Rosamund and Dolly Coke in evening 
dress. Dolly is without any wrap on her 
shoulders. 

Mrs. C. But that's nearly two years ago. Is it 
possible we still have women amongst us who can 
mourn two years for a man ? It gives me hopes again 
for my sex. 

Freddie. [His back to Lady Rosamund.] I 
know jolly well Rosamund won't mourn two years 
for me. 

Lady R. [A dear-cut, bright, pretty woman.] 
You're quite right, Freddie, I shan't. But if you 
behave very prettily meantime, I promise you a 
decent six weeks. So be satisfied, and don't make 
a disturbance down there [with a little gesture point- 
ing down] and create the impression that I wasn't a 
model wife. [Freddie makes an appealing gesture 
for sympathy to Sir Christopher. 

Coke. [In a very querulous, pedantic tone to 
Dolly.] No wrap again ! Really, my dear, I do 
wish you would take more precautions against the 
night air. If you should take influenza again 

Dolly. [A pretty, empty-headed little woman.] 
Oh, my dear Archie, if I do, it is I who will have 
to cough and sneeze ! 

Coke. Yes ; but it is I who will be compelled to 
listen to you. I do wish you would remember how 
very inconvenient it is for me when you have in- 
fluenza. 



act i THE LIARS 9 

Dolly. My dear, you can't expect me to remem- 
ber all the things that are inconvenient to you. 
Besides, other people don't wrap up. Jessica is 
out on the river with absolutely nothing on her 
shoulders. 

Mrs. C. Is it not a physiological fact that when 
our hearts reach a certain temperature our shoulders 
may be, and often are, safely left bare ? 

[George Nepean has been listening. He 
suddenly rises, comes some steps towards 
them as if about to speak, stops, then 
turns and exit with great determination. 

Sir C. Mrs. Crespin, you saw that? 

Mrs. C. Yes. Where has he gone ? 

Sir C. I suppose to tell his brother his suspicions. 
I'm sure you meant nothing just now, but — [glanc- 
ing round~\ — we are all friends of Lady Jessica's, 
aren't we? 

Mrs. C. Oh, certainly. But don't you think 
you ought to get Mr. Falkner away? 

Sir C. He'll be leaving England soon. These 
fresh outbreaks amongst the slave-traders will give us 
no end of trouble, and the Government will have to 
send Falkner out. Meantime 

Mrs. C. Meantime, doesn't Mrs. Ebernoe play 
divinely ? [ Going off. 

Sir C. [Politely intercepting her.~\ Meantime it's 
understood that nothing more is to be said of 
this? 



io THE LIARS act i 

Mrs. C. Oh, my dear Sir Christopher, what more 
can be said? [Exit. 

Sir C. [Holds the tent curtaiiis aside for her to 
pass out ; looks after her, shakes his head, perplexed, 
then turns to Coke.] Coke, what do you say, a 
hundred up ? 

Coke. \_Rising.~] I'm agreeable ! Dolly ! Dolly ! 
[Lady Rosamund, Dolly and Freddie 
are chattering very vigorously together. 
Dolly. [Doesri t turn round to him.~] Well? 

[Goes on chattering to Lady Rosamund and 
Freddie. 
Coke. You had a tiresome hacking cough, dear, 
during the greater portion of last night. 

Dolly. Did I ? [Same business. 

Coke. It would be wise to keep away from the 
river. 

Dolly. Oh, very well, dear. I'll try and re- 
member. [Same business. 
Coke. [Turns, annoyed, to Sir Christopher.] 
I'm a painfully light sleeper. The least thing dis- 
turbs me, and — [Looks anxiously at Dolly who is 
still chattering, then turns to Coke.] Do you sleep 
well? 

[Links his arm in Coke's.] Like a top. 
Never missed a night's rest in my life. 

[ Takes Coke off at opening. 
Freddie. [ Has been talking angrily to Lady 
Rosamund.] Very well then, what am I to do ? 



act I THE LIARS n 

Dolly. Oh, do go and get a whisky and soda, 
there's a dear Freddie ! 

Freddie. That's all very well, but if Jessica goes 
and makes a fool of herself in my house, people will 
say it was my fault. 

Lady R. What — example or influence, or sheer 
desperate imitation ? 

Freddie. \_Pulls himself up, looks very satirical, 
evidently tries to think of some crushing reply without ■ 
success. ] I must say, Rosamund, that your contin- 
ued chaff of me and everything that I do is in exe- 
crable taste. For a woman to chaff her husband on 
all occasions is — well it's very bad taste, that's all I 
can say about it ! [Exit at back. 

Dolly. Freddie's getting a dreadful fidget. He's 
nearly as bad as Archie. 

Lady R. Oh, my dear, he's ten times worse. 
One can't help feeling some small respect for Archie. 

Dolly. Oh, do you think so ? Well, yes, I sup- 
pose Archie is honourable and all that. 

Lady R. Oh, all men are honourable. They 
get kicked out if they aren't. My Freddie's hon- 
ourable in his poor little way. 

Dolly. Oh, don't run Freddie down. I rather 
like Freddie. 

Lady R. Oh, if you had to live with him 

Dolly. Well, he always lets you have your own 
way. 

Lady R. I wish he wouldn't. I really believe I 



12 THE LIARS act i 

should love and respect him a little if he were to 
take me and give me a good shaking, or do some- 
thing to make me feel that he's my master. But 
[.«£■/«■] he never will ! He'll only go on asking 
everybody's advice how to manage me — and never 
find out. As if it were't the easiest thing in the 
world to manage a woman — if men only knew. 

Dolly. Oh, do you think so ? I wonder if poor 
old Archie knows how to manage me ! 

Lady R. Archie's rather trying at times. 

Dolly. Oh, he is ! He's so frumpish and par- 
ticular, and he's getting worse. 

Lady R. Oh, my dear, they do as they grow older. 

Dolly. Still, after all, Freddie and Archie aren't 
quite so awful as Gilbert. 

Lady R. Oh, Gilbert's a terror. I hope Jessica 

won't do anything foolish 

[A very merry peal of laughter heard off, 
followed by Lady Jessica's voice. 

Lady J. [Heard off.'] Oh, no, no, no, no, no ! 

Please keep away from my dress! Oh, I'm so 

sorry ! {Laughing a little, .] But you are — so — so — 

{Another peal of laughter. 

" Falkner. [Heard off, a deep, rich, sincere, 

manly tone.] So ridiculous? I don't mind that! 

Lady J. {Heard off.] But you'll take cold. Do 
go and change ! 

Falkner. {Heard off.] Change? That's not 
possible ! 



act i THE LIARS 13 

[Lady Jessica appears at opening at back, 
looking off, smothering her laughter. 
She is a very bright, pretty woman 
about twenty-seven, very dainty and 
charming. Piano ceases. 

Lady J. Oh, the poor dear, foolish fellow ! 
Look! 

Lady R. What is it ? 

Lady J. My ten-and-sixpenny brooch ! He kept 
on begging for some little souvenir, so I took this 
off. That quite unhinged him. I saw he was going 
to be demonstrative, so I dropped the brooch in the 
river and made a terrible fuss. He jumped in, poor 
dear, and fished it up. It was so muddy at the bot- 
tom ! He came up looking like a fin-de-siecle Nep- 
tune — or a forsaken merman — or the draggled figure- 
head of a penny Thames steamboat. 

Lady R. [Very seriously.'] Jess, the men are talk- 
ing about you. 

Lady J. [ Very carelessly.] Ah, are they ? Who is ? 

Lady R. My Freddie says that you 

Lady J . \Interruping on * ' says. ' ' ] My dear Rosy, 
I don't mind what your Freddie says any more than 
you do. 

Lady R. But George has been fizzing up all the 
evening. 

Lady J. Oh, let him fizz down again. 

Lady R. But I believe he has gone to give Gilbert 
a hint 



i 4 THE LIARS act i 

Lady J. [Showing annoyance.] Ah, that's mean 
of George ! How vexing ! Perhaps Gilbert will 
stay now. 

Lady R. Perhaps it's as well that Gilbert should 
stay. 

Lady J. What? My dear Rosy, you know I'm 
the very best of wives, but it does get a little monot- 
onous to spend all one's time in the company of a 
man who doesn't understand a joke — not even when 
it's explained to him ! 

Lady R. Jess, you really must pull up. 

Dolly. Yes, Jess. Mrs. Crespin was making 
some very cattish remarks about you and Mr. Falkner. 

Lady J, Was she ? Rosy, why do you have that 
woman here ? 

Lady R. I don't know. One must have some- 
body. I thought you and she were very good 
friends. 

Lady J. Oh, we're the best of friends, only we 
hate each other like poison. 

Lady R. I don't like her. But she says such 
stinging things about my Freddie, and makes him 
so wild. 

Lady J. Does she? I'll ask her down for the 
shooting. Oh ! I've got a splendid idea ! 

Lady R. What is it ? 

Lady J. A new career for poor gentlewomen. 
You found a school and carefully train them in all 
the best traditions of the gentle art of husband-bait- 



act i THE LIARS 15 

ing. Then you invite one of them to your house, 
pay her, of course, a handsome salary, and she as- 
sists you in "the daily round, the common task" 
of making your husband's life a perfect misery to 
him. After a month or so she is played out and re- 
tires to another sphere, and you call in a new — lady- 
help ! 

Lady R. Oh, I don't think I should care to have 
my Freddie systematically henpecked by another 
woman. 

Lady J. No ; especially as you do it so well your- 
self. Besides, your Freddie is such a poor little 
pocket-edition of a man — I hope you don't mind 
my saying so 

Lady R. On, not at all. He's your own brother- 
in-law. 

Lady J. Yes ; and you may say what you like 
about Gilbert. 

Dolly. Oh, we do, don't we, Rosy? 

Lady J. Do you? Well, what do you say? 

Dolly. Oh, it wouldn't be fair to tell, would it, 

Rosy ? But Mrs. Crespin said yesterday 

[Lady Rosamund glances at Dolly and 
stops her. 

Lady J. About Gilbert ? 

Dolly. Yes. 

Lady J. Well, what did she say ? 

[Dolly glances at Lady Rosamund in- 
quiringly. 



i6 THE LIARS act i 

Lady R. No, Dolly, no ! 
Lady J. Yes, Dolly ! Do tell me. 
Lady R. No, no ! 

Lady J. I don't care what she said, so long as 
she didn't say that he could understand a joke. That 
would be shamefully untrue. I've lived with him 
for five years, and I'm sure he can't. But what did 
Mrs. Crespin say, Rosy? 

Lady R. No, it really was a little too bad. 
Dolly. Yes. I don't much mind what anybody 
says about Archie, but if Mrs. Crespin had said about 

him what she said about Gilbert 

Lady J. But what did she say ? Rosy, if you 
don't tell me, I won't tell you all the dreadful things 
I hear about your Freddie. Oh, do tell me ! There's 
a dear ! 

Lady R. Well she said [Begins laughing. 

[Dolly begins laughing. 
Lady J. Oh, go on ! go on ! go on ! 
Lady R. She said — no, I'll whisper ! 

[Lady Jessica inclines her ear, Lady Rosa- 
mund whispers ; Dolly laughs. 
Lady J. About Gilbert? [Beginning to laugh. 
Lady R. Yes. [Laughing. 

[They all join in a burst of laughter which 
grows louder and louder. At its height 
enter Gilbert Nepean. He is a man 
rather over forty, much the same build as 
his brother George ; rather stout, heavy 



act I THE LIARS 17 

figure, dark complexion ; strong, immobile, 
uninteresting featu?-es ; large, coarse 
hands ; a habit of biting his nails. He 
is dressed in tweeds, long light ulster and 
travelling cap, which he does not remove. 
As he enters, the laughter which has been 
very boisterous, suddenly ceases. He goes 
up to table without taking any notice of 
the ladies; very deliberately takes out 
cigar from case, strikes a match which 
does not ignite, throws it down with an 
angry gesture and exclamation ; strikes 
another which also does not ignite; throws 
it down with a still angrier gesture and 
exclamation. Thet hird match ignites, 
and he deliberately lights his cigar. Mean - 
time, as soon as he has reached table, 
Lady Jessica, who stands behi?id him, 
exchanges glances with Dolly and Lady 
Rosamund, and makes a little face 
behind his back. Dolly winks at Lady 
Jessica, who responds by pulling a mock 
long face. Dolly steals off. Lady 
Rosamund shrugs her shoulders at Lady 
Jessica, who pulls her face still longer. 
Lady Rosamund steals quietly off after 
Dolly. Gilbert is still busy with his 
cigar. Lady Jessica does a little expres- 
sive pantomime behind his back. 



18 THE LIARS act i 

Gilbert. What's all this tomfoolery with 
Falkner ? 

Lady J. Tomfoolery ? 

Gilbert. George says you are carrying on some 
tomfoolery with Falkner. 

Lady J. Ah ! that's very sweet and elegant of 
George. But I never carry on any tomfoolery with 
anyone — because I'm not a tomfool, therefore I can't. 

Gilbert. I wish for once in your life you'd give 
me a plain answer to a plain question. 

Lady J. Oh, I did once. You shouldn't remind 
me of that. But I never bear malice. Ask me 
another, such as — if a herring and a half cost three 
ha'pence, how long will it take one's husband to 
learn politeness enough to remove his cap in his 
wife's presence? 

Gilbert. [Instinctively takes off his cap, then 
glancing at her attitude, which is one of amused defi- 
ance, he puts the cap on again.~] There's a draught 
here. 

Lady J. The lamp doesn't show it. But perhaps 
you are right to guard a sensitive spot. 

Gilbert. I say there's a confounded draught. 

Lady J. Oh, don't tell fibs, dear. Because if 
you do, you'll go — where you may meet me; and 
then we should have to spend such a very long time 
together. 

Gilbert. [Nonplussed, bites his nails a ?noment or 
two ; takes out his watch. ~\ I've no time to waste. 



act I THE LIARS 19 

I must be down in Devonshire to-morrow to go into 
this business of Crampton's. But before I go, I 
mean to know the truth of this nonsense between you 
and Falkner. 

Lady J. Ah ! 

Gilbert. Shall I get it from you — or from him? 

Lady J. Wouldn't it be better to get it from me ? 
Because he mightn't tell you all? 

Gilbert. All? Then there is something to 
know ? 

Lady J. Heaps. And if you'll have the ordinary 
politeness to take off that very ugly cap I'll be very 
sweet and obedient and tell you all. 

Gilbert. Go on ! 

Lady J. Not while the cap sits there ! 

[Pointing to his head. 

Gilbert. I tell you I feel the draught. 

[Lady Jessica rises, goes to the tent open- 
ings, carefully draws the curtains. He 
watches her, sulkily biting his nails. 

Lady J. There ! now you may safely venture to 
uncover the sensitive spot. 

Gilbert. \_Firmly.~\ No. 

Lady J. [Serenely seated. ~\ Very well, my dear. 
Then I shan't open my lips. 

Gilbert. You won't? 

Lady J. No; and I'm sure it's far more impor- 
tant for you to know what is going on between Mr. 
Falkner and me than to have that horrid thing stick- 
ing on your head. 



20 THE LIARS act i 

Gilbert. [Takes a turn or two, bites his nails, at 
lejigth sulkily flings the cap on the table, .] Now ! 

Lady J. Mr. Falkner is very deeply attached to 
me, I believe. 

Gilbert. He has told you so ? 

Lady J. No. 

Gilbert. No ? 

Lady J. No; but that's only because I keep on 
stopping him. 

Gilbert. You keep on stopping him ? 

Lady J. Yes ; it's so much pleasanter to have 
him dangling for a little while, and then 

Gilbert. Then what? 

Lady J. Well, it is pleasant to be admired. 

Gilbert. And you accept his admiration ? 

Lady J. Of course I do. Why shouldn't I? If 
Mr. Falkner admires me, isn't that the greatest 
compliment he can pay to your taste? And if he 
spares you the drudgery of being polite to me, flat- 
tering me, complimenting me, and paying me the 
hundred delicate little attentions that win a woman's 
heart, I'm sure you ought to be very much obliged 
to him for taking all that trouble off your hands. 

Gilbert. [Furious.^ Now understand me. This 
nonsense has gone far enough. I forbid you to have 
anything further to say to the man. 

Lady J. Ah, you forbid me ! 

Gilbert. I forbid you. And, understand, if 
you do 



act i THE LIARS 21 

Lady J. Ah, take care ! Don't threaten me ! 
Gilbert. Do you mean to respect my wishes ? 
Lady J. Of course I shall respect your wishes. 
I may not obey them, but I will respect them. 
Gilbert. [Enraged, comes up to her very angrily. ] 

Enter George ; Gilbert stops suddenly. 

George. The dog-cart's ready, Gilbert. What's 
the matter? 

Gilbert. Nothing. [To Lady Jessica.] You'll 
please to come on to me at Teignwick to-morrow. 

Lady J. Can't. I've promised to go to Barbara, 
and I must keep my promise, even though it parts 
me from you. 

Enter Servant at back. 

Serv. You've only just time to catch the train, sir. 

Gilbert. I'm not going. 

Serv. Not going, sir? 

Gilbert. No. [Exit Servant. 

Lady J. [Appeals to George.] Isn't it dear of 
him to stay here on my account when he knows he 
ought to be in Devon? Isn't it sweet to think that 
after five long years one has still that magnetic at- 
traction for one's husband? 

Gilbert. No. I'm hanged if I stay on your 
account. [Goes up to opening, calls out.~\ Hi ! 
Gadsby ! I'm coming ! [ Comes back to Lady Jessica.] 
Understand, I expect you at Teignwick to-morrow. 

Lady J. Dearest, I shan't come. 



22 THE LIARS act i 

Gilbert. I say you shall ! 

Lady J. "Shall" is not a pretty word for a 
husband to use. 

[Takes up the cap he has thrown down and 
stands twiddling the tassel. 
Gilbert. George, I expect this business of 
Crampton's will keep me for a week, but I can't tell. 
Look after everything while I'm away. [Glancing 
at Lady Jessica. To Lady Jessica.] You won't 
come to Teignwick? 

Lady J. I've promised Barbara. Here's your 
cap. 

Gilbert. Good-bye, George ! 

[Shakes hands with George, looks at Lady 

Jessica, and is then going off at back. 

Lady J. Ta ta, dearest ! [Going up to him. 

Gilbert. [Turns, comes a step or two to Lady 

Jessica, livid with anger ; speaks in her ear. ] You' 11 

go just one step too far some day, madam, and if you 

do, look out for yourself, for, by Jove ! I won't spare 

you ! 

[Exit. Lady Jessica stands a little fright- 
ened, goes up to opening at back, as if to 
call him back, comes down, takes up an 
illustrated paper. George stands 
watching her, smoking. 
Lady J. [After a little pause. ,] George, that was 
very silly of you to tell Gilbert about Mr. Falkner 
and me. 



act i THE LTARS 23 

George. I thought you had gone far enough. 

Lady J. Oh no, my dear friend. You must allow 
me to be the best judge of how far 

George. How far you can skate over thin ice? 

Lady J. The thinner the ice the more delicious 
the fun, don't you think? Ah, you're like Gilbert. 
You don't skate — or joke. 

George. You heard what Gilbert said? 

Lady J. Yes ; that was a hint to you. Won't it 
be rather a tiresome task for you ? 

George. What ? 

Lady J. To keep an eye on me, watch that I 
don't go that one step too far. And not quite a nice 
thing to do, eh? 

George. Oh, I've no intention of watching 

you 

Enter Falkner at back. 

[Looking at the two.~] Not the least intention, I 
assure you. \_Exit. 

Lady J. So to-morrow will break up our pleasant 
party. 

Falkner. \_About forty, strong, fine, clearly-cut 
features, earnest expression, hair turning gray, com- 
plexion pale, and almost gray with continued work, 
anxiety, and abstinence, .] And after to-morrow? 

Lady J. Ah, after to-morrow ! 

Falkner. When shall we meet again ? 

Lady J. Shall we meet again? Yes, I suppose. 
Extremes do meet, don't they? 

Falkner. Are we extremes? 



24 THE LIARS act i 

Lady J. Aren't we? I suppose I'm the vainest, 
emptiest, most irresponsible creature in the world 

Falkner. You're not ! you're not ! You slander 
yourself! You can be sincere, you can be earnest, 
you can be serious 

Lady J. Can I ? Oh, do tell me what fun there is 
in being serious ! I can't see the use of it. There 
you are, for instance, mounted on that high horse of 
seriousness, spending the best years of your life in 
fighting African slave-traders and other windmills of 
that sort. Oh do leave the windmills alone ! They'll 
all tumble by themselves by-and-by. 

Falkner. I'm not going to spend the best years 
of my life in fighting slave-traders. I'm going to 
spend them — in loving you. [Approaching her very 
closely. 

Lady J. Oh, that will be worse than the wind- 
mills — and quite as useless. [He is very near to her.'] 
If you please — you remember we promised to dis- 
cuss all love-matters at a distance of three feet, so 
as to allow for the personal equation. Your three 
feet, please. 

Falkner. When shall we meet again? 

Lady J. Ah, when? Where do you go to-mor- 
row night, when you leave here ? 

Falkner. I don't know. Where do you? 

Lady J. To my cousin Barbara's. 

Falkner. Where is that ? 

Lady J. Oh, a little way along the river, towards 
town ; not far from Staines. 



act I THE LIARS 25 

Falkner. In what direction ? 

Lady J. About two miles to the nor' -nor' -sou' - 
west. I never was good at geography. 

Falkner. Is there a good inn near ? 

Lady J. There's a delightful little riverside hotel, 
the Star and Garter, at Shepperford. They make a 
specialty of French cooking. 

Falkner. I shall go there when I leave here to- 
morrow. May I call at your cousin's? 

Lady J. It wouldn't be wise. And I'm only 
staying till Monday. 

Falkner. And then ? 

Lady J. On Monday evening I go back to town. 

Falkner. Alone ? 

Lady J. No ; with Ferris, my maid. Unless I 
send her on first. 

Falkner. And you will ? 

Lady J. No; I don't think so. But a curious 
thing happened to me the last time I stayed at Bar- 
bara's. I sent Ferris on with the luggage in the 
early afternoon, and I walked to the station for the 
sake of the walk. Well there are two turnings, and 
I must have taken the wrong one. 

Falkner. What happened ? 

Lady J. I wandered about for miles, and at half- 
past seven I found myself, very hot, very tired, very 
hungry, and in a very bad temper, at the Star and 
Garter at Shepperford. That was on a Monday too. 

Falkner. That was on a Monday ? 



26 THE LIARS act i 

Lady J. Yes — hark ! [Goes suddenly to back, 
looks off.~\ Oh, it's you, Ferris ! What are you do- 
ing there ? 

Ferris, a perfectly -trained lady'' s mind, about thirty, 
dark, quiet, reserved, a little sinister-looking, ap- 
pears at opening at back with wrap in hand. 

Ferris. I beg pardon, my lady. But I thought 
you might be getting chilly, so I've brought you this. 

Lady J. Put it on the chair. 

Ferris. Yes, my lady. 

[Puts wrap o?i chair and exit. 

Lady J. [Yawns. ~\ Heigho ! Shall we go into 
the billiard room ? [ Going. 

Falkner. No. [Stopping her.~\ How long do 
you mean to play with me ? 

Lady J. Am I playing with you ? 

Falkner. What else have you done the last three 
months ? My heart is yours to its last beat. My 
life is yours to its last moment. What are you going 
to do with me ? 

Lady J. Ah, that's it! I'm sure I don't know. 
[Smiling at him.'] What shall I do with you ? 

Falkner. Love me ! love me ! love me ! 

Lady J. You are very foolish ! 

Falkner. Foolish to love you ? 

Lady J. No ; not foolish to love me. I like you 
for that. But foolish to love me so foolishly. Foolish 
to be always wanting to play Romeo, when I only 
want to play Juliet sometimes. 



act i THE LIARS 27 

Falkner. Sometimes ? When ? 
Lady J. When I am foolish too — on a Monday 
evening. 

[She is going off; he intercepts her, clasps her. 
Falkner. Ah ! will you drive me mad ? Shall I 
tear you to pieces to find out if there is a heart 
somewhere within you ? 

Lady J. [Struggling."] Hush ! some one coming. 

[Falkner releases her. 

Sir Christopher saunters in at back, smoking. 

[Exit Lady Jessica. 

Sir C. Drop it, Ned ! Drop it, my dear old boy ! 
You're going too far. 

Falkner. [Going off after Lady Jessica.] We 
won't discuss the matter, Kit. 

Sir C. [Putting his arm in Falkner' s, and hold- 
ing him back.] Yes we will, Ned. George Nepean 
has been making a row, and I — well, I stroked him 
down. I said you were the soul of honour 

Falkner. [Disengaging himself.'] You were 
right. I am the soul of honour. 

Sir C. And that you didn't mean anything by 
your attentions to Lady Jessica. 

Falkner. You were wrong. I do mean some- 
thing. 

SirC. Well, what? 

Falkner. [Going.] That's my business — and 
Lady Jessica's. 



28 THE LIARS act i 

Sir C. You forget — I introduced you here. 

Falkner. Thank you. You were very kind. 

[Going off. 

Sir C. [Stopping him.] No, Ned ; we'll have this 
out, here and now, please. 

Falkner. [Angrily.'] Very well, let's have it 
out, here and now. 

Sir C. [With g?-eat friendship.] Come, old boy, 
there's no need for us to take this tone. Let's talk 
it over calmly, as old friends and men of the world. 

Falkner. Men of the world ! If there is one 
beast in all the loathsome fauna of civilization that I 
hate and despise, it is a man of the world ! Good 
heaven, what men ! what a world ! 

Sir C. Quite so, old fellow. It is a beastly bad 
world — a lying, selfish, treacherous world ! A ras- 
cally bad world every way. But bad as it is, this old 
world hasn't lived all these thousands of years with- 
out getting a little common sense into its wicked 
old noddle — especially with regard to its love affairs. 
And, speaking as an average bad citizen of this black- 
guardly old world, I want to ask you, Ned Falkner, 
what the devil you mean by making love to a married 
woman, and what good or happiness you expect to 
get for yourself or her ? Where does it lead ? What's 
to be the end of it ? 

Falkner. Idon'tknow — I don't care! I love her! 

Sir C. But, my good Ned, she's another man's 
wife. 



act I THE LIARS 29 

Falkner. She's married to a man who doesn't 
value her, doesn't understand her, is utterly unworthy 
of her. 

Sir C. All women are married to men who are * 
utterly unworthy of them — bless 'em ! All women 
are undervalued by their husbands — bless 'em ! All 
women are misunderstood — bless 'em again ! 

Falkner. Oh, don't laugh it off like that. Look 
at that thick clown of a husband. They haven't a 
single idea, or thought, or taste in common. 

Sir C. That's her lookout before she married 
him. 

Falkner. But suppose she didn't know, didn't 
understand. Suppose experience comes too late ? 

Sir C. It generally does — in other things besides 
marriage ! 

Falkner. But doesn't it make your blood boil 
to see a woman sacrificed for life ? 

Sir C. It does — my blood boils a hundred times 
a day. But marriages are made in heaven, and if 
once we set to work to repair celestial mistakes and 
indiscretions, we shall have our hands full. Come 
down to brass tacks. What's going to be the end 
of this ? 

Falkner. I don't know — I don't care ! I love her! 

Sir C. You don't know? I'll tell you. Let's 
go over all the possibilities of the case. \Ticking 
them off on his fingers. ] Possibility number one — 
you leave off loving her 



30 THE LIARS act i 

Falkner. That's impossible. 

Sir C. Possibility number two — you can, one or 
the other, or both of you, die by natural means ; but 
you're both confoundedly healthy, so I'm afraid 
there's no chance of that. Possibility number three 
— you can die together by poison, or steel, or cold 
Thames water. I wouldn't trust you not to do a 
fool's trick of that sort; but, thank God, she's got 
too much sense. By the way, Ned, I don't think 
she cares very much for you 

Falkner. She will. 

Sir C. Well, well, we shall see. Possibility 
number four — you can keep on dangling at her 
heels, and being made a fool of, without getting 
any — " forrarder. ' ' 

Falkner. Mine is not a physical passion. 

Sir C. [Looks at him for two moments. ~\ Oh, 
that be hanged ! 

Falkner. I tell you it is not. 

Sir C. Well then, it ought to be. 

Falkner. [Very angrily. ~] Well then, it is! 
And say no more about it. What business is it of 
yours? 

Sir C. Possibility number five — a liaison with her 
husband's connivance. Gilbert Nepean won't make 
a mari complaisant. Dismiss that possibility. 

Falkner. Dismiss them all. 

Sir C. Don't you wish you could? But you'll 
have to face one of them, Ned. Possibility number 



act i THE LIARS 31 

six — a secret liaison. That's nearly impossible in 
society. And do you know what it means? It 
means in the end every inconvenience and disad- 
vantage of marriage without any of its conveniences 
and advantages. It means endless discomfort, 
worry, and alarm. It means constant sneaking and 
subterfuges of the paltriest, pettiest kind. What do 
you say to that, my soul of honour ? 

Falkner. I love her. I shall not try to hide my 
love. 

Sir C. Oh, then you want a scandal? You'll 
get it ! Have you thought what sort of a scandal it 
will be? Remember you've stuck yourself on a 
pedestal, and put a moral toga on. That's awkward. 
It wants such a lot of living up to. Gilbert Nepean 
is a nasty cuss and he'll make a nasty fuss. Possi- 
bility number seven, tableau one — Edward Falkner 
on his moral pedestal in a toga-esque attitude, 
honoured and idolized by the British public. Tab- 
leau two — a horrible scandal, a field day for Mrs. 
Grundy; Edward Falkner is dragged from his 
pedestal, his toga is torn to pieces, his splendid 
reputation is blown to the winds, and he is rolled in 
the mud under the feet of the British public, who, 
six months ago, crowned him with garlands and 
shouted themselves hoarse in his praise. Are you 
prepared for that, my soul of honour ? 

Falkner. If it comes. 

Sir C. \Shakes his head, makes a wry face, then 



32 



THE LIARS act I 



proceeds. ] Possibility number eight. Last remain- 
ing possibility, only possible possibility — pull your- 
self together, pack up your traps, start to-morrow 
morning for Africa or Kamtschatka, Jericho or 
Hong-Kong. I' 11 go with you. What do you say ? 

Falkner. No. 

Sir C. No ? 

Falkner. I wonder at you, Deering — I wonder 
at you coming to lecture me on love and morality. 

Sir C. Ah, why ? 

Falkner. \_With growing indignation, .] I love a 
woman with the deepest love of my heart, with the 
purest worship of my soul. If that isn't moral, if 
that isn't sacred, if that isn't righteous, tell me, in 
heaven's name, what is? And you come to lecture 
me with your cut and dried worldly-wise philosophy, 
your mean little maxims, you come to lecture me on 
love and morality — you ! 

Sir C. Yes, I do ! I may have had my attach- 
ments, I may have done this, that, and the other. 
I'm not a hero, I'm not on a pedestal, I never put 
on a moral toga. But I owe no woman a sigh or a 
sixpence. I've never wronged any friend's sister, or 
daughter, or wife. And I tell you this, Ned Falkner, 
you're a fool if you think that anything can come of 
this passion of yours for Lady Jessica, except misery 
and ruin for her, embarrassment and disgrace for 
you, and kicking out of decent society for both of 
you. 



act i THE LIARS 33 

Falkner. [Very firmly. "\ Very well. And will 
you please be the first to cut me ? Or shall I cut you ? 

Sir C. You mean that, Ned ? 

Falkner. Yes ; if I'm a fool, leave me to my 
folly. [Very strongly. ~\ Don't meddle with me. 

Sir C. You do mean that, Ned ? Our friendship 
is to end ? 

Falkner. Yes. [Sits, takes up paper. 

Sir C. Very well. You'll understand some day, 
Ned, that I couldn't see an old comrade, a man who 
stood shoulder to shoulder with me all these years — 
you'll understand I couldn't see him fling away 
honour, happiness, reputation, future, everything, 
without saying one word and trying to pull him up. 
Good-bye, old chap. [Going off. 

[Falkner springs up generously, goes to him 
warmly, holding out both hands. 

Falkner. [Cries out.~\ Kit ! 

Sir C. Ned ! 

[ The two me?i stand with hands clasped for 
some time, then Falkner speaks in a 
soft, low, broken voice. 

Falkner. I love her, Kit — you don't know how 
much. When I see her, that turn of her head, that 
little toss of her curls, the little roguish face she 
makes — God couldn't make her like that and then 
blame a man for loving her ! If He did — well, right 
or wrong, I'd rather miss heaven than one smile, one 
nod, one touch of her finger-tips ! 
4 



34 THE LIARS act i 

Sir C. Oh, my poor dear old fellow, if you're as 
far gone as that, what the deuce am I to do with 
you? 

Enter at back Beatrice Ebernoe, a tall, dark 
woman, about thirty, very beautiful and spiritual. 

Bea. Ned, here's a messenger from the Colonial 
Office with a very urgent letter for you. 

Falkner. For me ? 
Enter Servant at back, bringing letter to Falkner. 

Serv. Important, sir. The messenger is waiting 
in the hall for your answer. 

Falkner. [Taking letter."] Very well, I'll come 
to him. [Exit Servant. 

Falkner. [Reading letter. ] More trouble out 
there. They want me to go out at once and negoti- 
ate. They think I could win over the chiefs and 
save a lot of bloodshed. 

Sir C. You'll go, Ned? 

Falkner. I don't know. 

Sir C. [To Beatrice.] Help me to persuade 
him. 

Bea. Can I ? Have I any influence ? Ned, for 
the sake of old days 

Falkner. Ah no — let me be — I must think this 
over. [Exit with distracted manner. 

Bea. Have you spoken to him ? 

Sir C. Yes ; I gave him a thorough good slang- 
ing. Not a bit of use. When one of you holds us 



act I THE LIARS 35 

by a single hair, not all the king's horses and all the 
king's men can drag us back to that beggarly dusty 
old tow-path of duty. 

Bea. I won't believe men are so weak. 

Sir C. Aren't we? There never was so sensible 
a man as I am in the management of other men's 
love affairs. You should have heard me lecture Ned. 
But once put me near you and I'm every bit as bad 
as that poor fool I've been basting ! 

[Indicating Falkner by inclination of the 
head towards the direction he has gone. 

Bea. Oh no, Kit, I won't have you say that. 

Sir C. But I am. How beautifully you played 
just now ! 

Bea. Did I? 

Sir C. Don't do it again. 

Bea. Why not ? 

Sir C. It's taking an unfair advantage of me. 
You oughtn't to arouse those divine feelings in a 
man's heart. You oughtn't to make me feel like a 
martyr, or a king, or a saint in a cathedral window, 
with all heaven's sunlight streaming through me ! 
You oughtn't to do it ! Because devil a ha'porth of 
a king, or a martyr, or a saint is there in me — and 
after you've been playing to me and lifted me into 
that seventh heaven of yours, I feel so mean and 
shabby when I drop down to earth again, and find 
myself a hard, selfish man of the world. 

Bea. Oh, I think there's a great deal of the mar- 
tyr and saint and king in you. 



36 THE LIARS act i 

Sir C. Do you? I believe there is! I know 
there would be if you'd only screw me up to it — 
and keep me screwed up. Beatrice there's nothing 
I couldn't do if you would only — 

Bea. [Going away from him.] Kit, you mustn't 
speak of this again. I can't quite forget. 

Sir C. There's no need. While he was alive I 
never had one disloyal thought towards him. Now 
he's dead who could be so fitted to take care of his 
dearest treasure as his oldest friend ? 

Bea. [Going away.'] I can't quite forget. 

Sir C. But you're young. What do you mean to 
do with your life ? 

Bea. I'd some thoughts of entering a sisterhood. 

Sir C. Ah no ! Surely there are plenty of dear 
good ugly women in the world who can do that. 

Bea. But I must enjoy the luxury of self-sacri- 
fice. Tell me how I can drink the deepest of that 
cup. 

Sir C. Marry me. I'll give you the most splen- 
did opportunities. Now if you and I were to join 
our forces, and take our poor Ned in hand, and 

Bea. Hush ! 

Falkner re-enters, evidently very much distracted. 

Sir C. [After a little pause, goes up to him.'] 
Well, Ned, what are you going to do ? 

Falkner. [In an agony of indecision.] I don't 
know ! I don't know ! 



act THE LIARS 37 

Sir C. You'll go, Ned? I'll go with you ! 

Enter Lady Jessica at back. 

Bea. You'll go, Ned? 
Lady J. Go ? Where ? 

Falkner. Nowhere. I shan't go, Kit. The 
man's waiting. I must give him my answer. 

[Exit l. Lady Jessica looks after him. 
Sir Christopher shrugs his shoulders 
at Beatrice. 



curtain. 
{Five days pass between Acts I. and II. ) 



ACT II. 

Scene : Private sitting room in the Star and Garter, Shepperford- 
on-Thames, a room in a small high- class riverside hotel, fur- 
nished in the usual incongruous hotel fashion. Large French 
windows both right and left take up a good part of the back 
of the stage, and open upon a veranda which runs along out- 
side. The pillars and roof of the veranda are smothered with 
trails of flowers and creeping plants. Beyond the veranda and 
very near to it is the Thames with opposite bank. Door 
down stage right. A sofa down stage right. A sideboard 
left. On the sideboard, plates, knives, forks, etc., dishes of 
fine peaches, grapes and strawberries, and a bottle each of 
hock, claret and champagne, as described in the text. A 
small table with writing materials at back between windows. 
A small table with white cloth laid, down stage, a little to the 
left of center. A fireplace down stage left. 

Discover Falkner in evening dress and French 
Waiter. Falkner. [Menu i?i hand.'] 

Creme a la Reine. We might have some trifle 
before the soup. 

Waiter. Anchovy salad? Caviare? 

Falkner. Caviare. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. At what hour will m'sieu 
dine? 

Falkner. I don't know; I'm not sure that my 
friend will come at all. But tell the cook to have 



act II THE LIARS 39 

everything prepared, so that we can have dinner 
very soon after my friend arrives. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. 

Falkner. [Reading menu.~\ Caviare. Creme a 
la Reine. Rouget a l'ltalienne. Whitebait. Petites 
Timbales a la Lucullus. Mousse de Foies Gras en 
Belle Vue. Is your cook equal to those entrees? 

Waiter. Oh, sir, he is equal to anything. Trust 
to me, sir. The cook shall be magnifique. The 
dinner shall be magnifique. 

Falkner. [Continuing. ~\ Poulardes poelees, sauce 
Arcadienne. Selle de Mouton. Ortolans. Salade. 
Asperges en Branches. Pouding Mousseline, sauce 
Eglantine. Souffle Glace a 1' Ananas. Dessert. 
[Waiter points to the dessert on the sideboard.^ And 
the wines ? 

Waiter. [Pointing to the wines on the sideboard.~\ 
Ayala, seventy-four. Johannesburg, sixty-eight. 
Chateau Haut-Brion, seventy-five. I have brought 
them from London myself. We have not these vin- 
tages here. 

Falkner. Good. 

Waiter. It is but one friend that m'sieu expect ? 

Falkner. Only one friend. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. [Exit. 

[Falkner alone walks restlessly about the 
room for a few seconds, comes down ; 
is arrested by something he hears out- 
side the door, shows great delight. 



40 THE LIARS act ii 

Re-enter Waiter. 

Waiter. A lady ; she say will Mr. Falkner please 
to see her ? She have lost her way. 

Falkner. Show her in. [Exit Waiter. 

[Falkner alone walks eagerly about room 

for a few seconds ; his manner very 

eager and impatient and quite different 

from what it had been before. 

Re-enter Waiter, showing in Lady Jessica most 
charmingly and coquettishly dressed in summer 
outdoor clothes. She comes in rather tempest- 
uously, speaking as she enters, and going up to 
Falkner. 

Lady J. [All in a breath^ Oh, my dear Mr. 
Falkner, I've been staying with my cousin, and I 
was walking to the station, and by some unlucky 
chance I must have taken the wrong turning, for 
instead of finding myself at the station, I found 
myself here ; and as I'm very hungry, would you 
think it very dreadful if I asked you to give me just 
a mere mouthful of dinner? 

Falkner. [Intensely calm low voice. ~\ I'm de- 
lighted. [To Waiter.] Will you let us have dinner 
as soon as it is ready? 

Waiter. In half an hour, sir. And the friend, 
sir? 

Falkner. The friend? 

Waiter. The friend that m'sieu expect — the 
friend of the dinner? 



act ii THE LIARS 41 

Falkner. Oh, yes — if he comes, show him in. 

Lady J. [Alarmed."] You don't expect 

Falkner. [Glancing at Waiter.] Hush! 

Waiter. [Absolutely impassive face.] Bien, 
m'sieu ! [Exit. 

Falkner. I'm so glad you've come. Look. 
[Holding out his hand.] I'm trembling with de- 
light. I knew you would be here. 

Lady J. I'm sure you didn't, for I didn't know 
myself two hours ago. It was only by chance that 
I happened to take the wrong turning. 

Falkner. No ; the right turning. And not by 
chance. It was not chance that brought you to me. 

Lady J. Oh, please, not that strain. I can't 
play up to it. Sit down and let us discuss some- 
thing mundane — say dinner. 

Falkner. [Giving her the menu.] I hope you'll 
like what I've ordered. I sent the waiter up to 
London for some of the dishes and the wines. 

Lady J. [Takes menu, looks at it, shows mock 
terror.] What ? You surely don't expect my poor 
little appetite to stand up to this dinner. Oh, let 
me be a warning to all, never to take the wrong turn- 
ing when it may lead to a menu like this. 

Falkner. That's for your choice. You don't 
suppose I'd offer you anything but the very best. 

Lady J. Yes, but a little of the very best is all I 
want ; not all of it. 

Falkner. Take all of it that I can set before you. 



42 THE LIARS act ii 

Lady J. Oh, but think — there may be other de- 
serving ladies in the world. 

Falkner. There is but you. 

Lady J. [Looks at him very much amies ed.~\ And 
I came here to cure you of this folly. Ah, me ! 
[Reading the menu. ] Mousse de Foies Gras. Poul- 
ardes poelees, sauce Arcadienne — what is sauce Arca- 
dienne ? 

Falkner. I don't know. Love is the sauce of 
life. Perhaps it's that. 

Lady J. Yes, but don't dish it up too often or too 
strong. It's sure to be wasted. 

Falkner. My love for you is not wasted. 

Lady J. No ? 

Falkner. You'll return it. You'll love me at 
last. 

Lady J. Shall I ? Creme a la Reine. Rouget a 
l'ltalienne. And if I did, what then? 

Falkner. Join your life to mine. Come to 
Africa with me. 

Lady J. [Shakes her head.~\ Impossible ! We 
should only shock the British public. They wouldn' t 
understand us. Ortolans. Salade. Asperges en 
Branches. Besides, what would everybody say ? 

Falkner. We shouldn't hear them. 

Lady J. No ; but they'd be talking all the same. 
Ha, ha ! They'd call us the eloping philanthropists. 

Falkner. Would that matter? 

Lady J. Oh, yes. A philanthropist may not 



act ii THE LIARS 43 

elope. A tenor may. Doesn't it show the terrible 
irony there is in the heart of things, that the best 
meaning philanthropist in the world may not elope 
with his neighbour's wife? Pouding Mousseline, 
sauce Eglantine. What makes you so eager to go 
hunting slave-traders in Africa ? 

Falkner. My father spent half his fortune put- 
ting slavery down. My grandfather spent half his 
life and died a pauper for the same cause. 

Lady J. Well then, you should send a subscrip- 
tion to the Aborigines' Protection Society. That is 
how I keep up our family traditions. 

Falkner. How ? 

Lady J. My father had a shocking reputation, 
and my grandfather, Beau Lilly white — Oh ! [Shrug.'] 
So I follow in their footsteps — at a respectful distance, 
I flirt with you. Souffle Glace a 1' Ananas. There's 
no flirting in Central Africa, I suppose? 

Falkner. No flirting. Only heat and hunger 
and thirst, and helpless misery prolonged to a horrible 
death. 

Lady J. [Genuinely moved.] Oh, I'm so sorry ! 
Don't think me heartless about that. Perhaps if I 
had lived amongst it as you have 

Falkner. Ah, if you had ! you'd do as I ask 
you. You'd give all your heart to me, you'd give 
all your woman's care and tenderness to them, and 
you' d never hear one whisper of what people said of 
you. 



44 THE LIARS act ii 

Lady J. [Looking at him with real admiration. ~\ 
How earnest you are ! How devoted ! 

Enter Waiter with knives and forks ; he goes to table 
and begins laying it. They move away from each 
other. 

Lady J. [To Waiter.] What is sauce Arcadi- 
enne? 

Waiter. Pardon ! The cook is splendid. He is 
magnifique — but he has [gesture] renversee the sauce 
Arcadienne all over the shop. 

Falkner. It doesn't matter. 

Lady J. Oh, I had set my heart on sauce Arca- 
dienne. 

Falkner. The cook must make some more sauce 
Arcadienne. 

Waiter. Ah, that is impossible till the middle of 
the night. 

Lady J. Ah, what a pity ! It is the one thing I 
long for, sauce Arcadienne. 

Falkner. Why ? 

Lady J. Because I don't know what it is. 

Waiter. He will give you some sauce Marguerite. 

Lady J. What is sauce Marguerite ? 

Waiter. [All the while laying table.] Ah, it is 
delicieuse. It is the very best sauce that is in all the 
world. 

Lady J. Va pour la sauce Marguerite ! Oh, this 
dinner ! [A barrel organ strikes up outside. 



act ii THE LIARS 45 

Waiter. Ah, there is the beast of the organ man. 

Lady J. No, let him be. I like music — and 
monkeys. [To Falkner.] Tell them to make 
haste. 

Falkner. Hurry the dinner. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu ! [Exit. 

Lady J. [Taking out watch.] Half-past seven, 
I've not an hour to stay. 

Falkner. Yes, your life if you will. 

Lady J. Ah, no ! You must be sensible. Think ! 
what could come of it if I did love you ? I should 
only break your heart or — what would be far worse — 
break my own. 

Falkner. Break it then — or let me break it. It's 
better to feel, it's better to suffer, than to be meanly 
happy. I love you, but I'd rather smother you in 
tears and blood than you should go on living this 
poor little heartless, withered life, choked up with all 
this dry society dust. Oh, can't I make you feel? 
Can't I make you live? Can't I make you love me? 

Lady J. [After a moment 's pause, looking at him 
with great admiration, .] Perhaps I do in my heart 
of hearts ! 

Falkner. Ah ! 

[Springs to seize her ; she struggles with him. 

Lady J. Mr. Falkner ! Mr. Falkner ! If you 
please. Do you hear? Mr. Falkner ! [Tears herself 
free.] Will you please go and stop that horrid 
organ ? Will you please ? 



46 THE LIARS act ii 

[Falkner bows, exit at door. Lady J essica 
panti?ig, flurried, out of breath, goes up 
to the window fanning herself with 
handkerchief, passes on to veranda, 
stays there for a few ?noments fa?ining 
herself, suddenly starts back alarmed, 
comes into room, stands frightened, list- 
ening. George Nepean appears on 
veranda, comes up to window, looks in. 
Lady J. [Trying to appear indiffere?it.~\ Ah, 
George ! 

George. I thought I caught sight of you. May 
I come in ? 

Lady J. Certainly. 

George. [Entering.^ I'm not intruding? 
Lady J. Intruding? Oh, no. Have you heard 
from Gilbert ? 

George. Yes, I had a letter this morning. He 
may be back in two or three days. 
Lady J. [Embarrassed.^ Yes? 

\_A pause. The organ outside stops in the 
middle of a bar. 
George. [ Glancing at table. ] You' re dining here ? 
Lady J. Yes ; just a small party. What brings 
you here ? 

George. I was going on to some friends at Her- 
sham. I was waiting for the ferry when I caught 
sight of you. [Glancing at table and sideboard.~\ 
You're giving your friends rather a good dinner. 



act ii THE LIARS 47 

Lady J. H'm, rather. I've heard the cooking's 
very good here. [A little pause, .] There's a nest of 
cygnets outside. Have you seen them ? 
George. No. 

Lady J. Do come and look at them ; they are so 
pretty. 

[Going off at window followed by George 
when Falkner enters at door. The 
two men look at each other. Lady 
Jessica shows very great confusion and 
embarrassment. A long awkward 
pause. George looks very significantly 
at the sideboard and table. 
George. [To Lady Jessica.] Gilbert must know 
of this. You understand ? 

[Bows. Exit by wi7idow and veranda. 
Lady J. [Who has stood frightened and con- 
fused.^ Did you hear? What can I do? What can 
I do? 

Falkner. [Calm, triumphant. ,] You must join 
your life to mine now. 

Lady J. No, no ! If you wish me ever to have 
one kind thought of you, get me out of this ! Do 
something, find somebody to dine with us. Under- 
stand me, I know myself, if this leads to a scandal, 
I shall hate you in a week. Oh, do something ! do 
something ! 

Falkner. Be calm. Be sure I'll do all I can to 
save you from a scandal. If that is impossible, be sure 
I'll do all I can to protect you from it. 



48 THE LIARS act ii 

Lady J. Ah, no ! Save me from it. I can't face 
it. I can't give up my world, my friends. Oh, what 
can I do? I'll go back to town 

Falkner. What good will that do? You had far 
better stay now. Sit down, be calm. Trust to me. 

Lady J. Oh, you are good, and I'm such a 
coward. 

Falkner. Let us think what is the best thing to 
do. 

Lady J. Can' t we get somebody to dine with us ? 

Lady R. [Heard outside. ~] Oh, can't you wait, 
Freddie. 

Lady J. [Looking off.~] Hark ! Rosy ! 

[ Goes up to window. 

Freddie. [Heard off. ~\ What! Row two more 
miles without a drink ? 

Lady J. She's there in a boat with Freddie and 
another man. The men are landing. If we could 
only get them to stay and dine with us ! We must ! 
Go and find George Nepean and bring him back here. 
Make haste. When you come back, I'll have Rosy 
here. 

Falkner. In any case rely on me. I'm as firm 
as the earth beneath you. [Exit at door. 

Lady J. [Goes up to window. Calls off. ~\ Rosy! 
Rosy! Come here ! Yes, through there. Shush ! 

[Lady Rosamund appears in the veranda. 
Lady R. Jess ! What's the matter? 

[Entering room. 



act ii THE LIARS 49 

Lady J. Everything. You and Freddie must stay 
and dine here. 

Lady R. We can't, we're going on to dine with 
Mrs. Crespin at her new place, and we've got Jack 
Symons with us. 

Lady J. Va pour Jack Symons, whoever he may 
be ! He must stay and dine too ! 

Lady R. Impossible. Mrs. Crespin has asked 
some people to meet us. As her place is on the river 
Jack proposed we should row down and dress there. 
What are you doing here ? I thought you were at 
Barbara's. 

Lady J. I was going back to town to-night. I 
thought I'd walk to the station — it's so delightful 
across the fields. Well, you know the path, I went 
on all right till I came to those two turnings, and 
then — I must have taken the wrong one, for, instead 
of finding myself at the station, I found myself 
here. 

Lady R. Well ? 

Lady J. I'd been wandering about for over an 
hour, I was very hungry ; I remembered Mr. Falk- 
ner was staying here ; so I came in and asked him 
to give me some dinner. 

Lady R. It was very foolish of you ! 

Lady J. Yes, especially as George Nepean was 
waiting for the ferry and caught sight of me on the 
veranda. 

Lady R. George Nepean ! 
5 



5o THE LIARS act ii 

Lady J. He came in, saw Mr. Falkner, put a 
totally wrong construction on it all, and threatened 
to let Gilbert know. 

Lady R. How could you be so imprudent, Jess ? 
You must have known that 

Lady J. Oh, don't stand there rowing me. Help 
me out of this and I promise you I won't get into 
another. 

Lady R. Why didn't you explain to George how 
it happened ? 

Lady J. So I would. Only when he came in 
I was alone. I felt sure he would put a wrong con- 
struction on it, so I told him I was dining here with 
a little party — then Mr. Falkner came in, and I was 
too confused to say anything. Besides I couldn't 
very well tell him the truth, because 

Lady R. Because what ? 

Lady J. Well, it's very curious, but the last 
time I was staying with Barbara the very same thing 
happened. 

Lady R. What ? 

Lady J. I was walking to the station, and I must 
have taken the wrong turning, for, instead of find- 
ing myself at the station, I found myself here. 

Lady R. What, twice ? 

Lady J. Yes. 

Lady R. Oh, impossible ! 

Lady J. No, it isn't : for it actually happened. 

Lady R. Do you mean to tell me that you 



act ii THE LIARS 51 

Lady J. {Taking her tip on the "tell."] Yes, I 
do. The sign-post is most deceptive. 

Lady R. It must be. 

Lady J. But the other time it was really a mis- 
take, and I dined here all alone. 

Lady R. Honour? 

Lady J. Really, really honour ! 

Lady R. I cannot imagine how you, a woman of 
the world 

Lady J. Oh, do not nag me. Mr. Falkner has 
gone for George. You must stay here and tell 
George you are dining with me. 

Lady R. What about Freddie and Jack ? See if 
they've come back to the boat. 

Lady J. [Looking off at window. ,] Not yet. 
Here's Mr. Falkner — alone. 

Re-enter Falkner at window. 

— Well, where is he ? 

Falkner. [To Lady Rosamund.] How d'ye 
do? [To Lady Jessica.] He took a fly that was 
waiting outside and drove to the post-office. I went 
there and made inquiries. He stopped, sent off a 
telegram 

Lady J. That must have been to Gilbert. 

Falkner. Then he drove off towards Staines. 
Shall I follow him ? 

Lady J. Yes. No. What's the use? He may 
be anywhere by now. 



52 THE LIARS act ii 

Lady R. Besides we can't stay to dinner. 

Lady J. You must — you must ! I must be able 
to tell Gilbert that somebody dined with me. 

Lady R. Jess, I'll write to George when I get 
back to night, and tell him that I dined with you 
here. 

Lady J. Oh, you good creature ! No ! Write 
now, on the hotel paper. Then he'll see you were 
actually here. 

Lady R. Pens, ink, and paper. 

Falkner. [At table up stage.'] Here ! 

[Lady Rosamund seats herself at table. 

Lady J. Rosy, I've got a better plan than that. 

LadyR. What? 

Lady J. Could you be in town to-morrow morn- 
ing? 

Lady R. Yes — why ? 

Lady J. Write to George to call on you there. 
I'll drop in a little before he comes. Then we can 
see what frame of mind he is in, and explain things 
accordingly. We can manage him so much better 
between us. 

Lady R. Very well, make haste. [Looks off at 
window.'] Mr. Falkner, will you go into the bar, 
run up against my husband and his friend, and keep 
them busy there till I get back into the boat. 

Falkner. Very well. [Exit at door. 

Lady R. Now, what shall I say ? 

Lady J. [Dictating.] " My dear George " 



act II THE LIARS 53 

Lady R. [ Writing. ] "My dear George ' ' —Oh, 
this pen ! [ Throws away the pen, takes up another, 

tries it. 

Lady J. We must make it very short and casual, 
as if you didn't attach much importance to it. 

Lady R. [Throws away second pen.~\ That's as 
bad! 

Lady J. [ Taking out a gold stylograph, giving it to 
Lady Rosamund.] Here's my stylograph. Take 
care of it. It was a birthday present. 

Lady R. "Monday evening. My dear 
George " 

Lady J. [Dictating.] "Jess has told me that 
you have just been here and that you were surprised 
at her presence. She fears you may have put a 
wrong construction on what you saw. She was too 
flurried at the moment to explain. But if you will 
kindly call on me to-morrow, Tuesday morning, at 
Cadogan Gardens at " — what time will suit you? 

Lady R. Twelve ? 

Lady J. Yes, and I'll be there a few minutes 
before. 

Lady R. [ Writing. ] < ' Twelve. ' ' 

Lady J. [Dictating.] "I will give you a full 
explanation. You will then see how very simple the 
whole affair was, and how little cause you had for 
your suspicions of her." That will do, won't it? 

Lady R. Yes, I think. "Yours sincerely" — 
no, " Yours affectionately, Rosy." 



54 THE LIARS act ii 

Lady J. "P.S. You had perhaps better say 
nothing about this to Gilbert until after we have met. 
When you see how trifling the matter is, you can tell 
Gilbert or not, as you please." 

Lady R. [Writing.'] " As you please. George 
Nepean, Esquire." What's his number? 

Lady J. Two-twenty. 

Lady R. [Writing.] "Two-twenty, Sloane 
Street." 

Lady J. What about Freddie? Shall we tell 
him? 

Lady R. Oh, no ! I wouldn't trust my Freddie 
in a matter of this kind. He'd put a wrong con- 
struction on it — men always do. 

[Puts letter in envelope, seals it. 

Lady J. But if George asks him ? 

Lady R. Freddie won't come up to town to- 
morrow. We'll see how George takes it, and we'll 
keep Freddie out of it, if we can. [She has risen, 
leaving stylograph on writing-table, where it remains. 
She seals letter.] Stamp ? 

Lady J. I' ve got one in my purse. [ Takes letter. 

Lady R. [Has caught sight of the menu, has taken 
it up.] Jess, you'll go straight to the station now? 

Lady J. Yes, I'm awfully hungry 

Lady R. Yes, but I don't think this dinner would 
agree with you. [Puts the menu down significantly. 

Lady J. Very well. But I am hungry. 

Lady R. And Jess, if I get you out of this — you 
won't take the wrong turning again? 



THE LIARS 



55 



Lady J. No ! no ! 
Lady R. Honour? 

Lady J. Honour ! Really, really honour ! Rosy, 
you know this is only a silly freak — nothing more. 
Lady R. I may be sure of that, Jess ? Honour ? 
Lady J. Honour ! Really, really honour ! 
Lady R. [Kisses her.~\ I must be going. To- 
morrow ! 

Lady J. To-morrow at Cadogan Gardens, ten 

minutes to twelve. [Rings bell. 

Lady R. [At window. ~\ Those men are in the 

boat. My Freddie is looking for me. What shall 

I tell him ? 

[Exit at window. Lady Jessica goes up to 
window, keeping well behind curtains. 
Looks off for a few seconds, the?i comes 
down. 

Enter Waiter. 

Lady J. [Giving letter. .] Please get that posted 
at once. 

Waiter. [Taking letter. ~\ Bien, madame. 

[Exit with letter. 

Re-enter Falkner at window. 

Lady J. They've gone? 

Falkner. Yes. What have you done ? 

Lady J. Rosy has written to George to come 
and see her to-morrow morning at Cadogan Gardens. 
You had better come too. 



56 THE LIARS act ii 

Falkner. At what time ? 

Lady J. Say a quarter to one. George will have 
gone by then and we can tell you if he accepts our 
explanation. 

Falkner. What is the explanation to be? 

Lady J. That Rosy and I were dining together 
here, that she hadn't arrived, that you happened to 
come into the room, and that George saw you and 
put a wrong construction on it. That will be all 
right, won't it? 

Falkner. Yes — I daresay. I wish it had been 
possible to tell the truth. 

Lady J. The truth? What truth? Rosy was 
actually here, and she might have stayed and dined 
with me — only she didn't — and — well, if it isn't 
the truth, it's only a little one. 

Falkner. I think those things are all the same 
size. 

Lady J. Oh, please don't be disagreeable, just 
at our last moment too. 

Falkner. Our last moment ? Ah, no, no, no ! 

\_Approaching her. 

Lady J. Ah, yes, yes, yes ! I promised Rosy 
I'd go straight to the station 

Falkner. There's no train till eight fifty. What 
harm can there be in your staying to dinner now ? 

Lady J. I promised Rosy I wouldn't. I'm fear- 
fully hungry 

Enter Waiter with letter on salver. 



act ii THE LIARS 57 

Waiter. [Advancing with letter on salver to Lady 
Jessica.] Pardon, is this letter for madame? 

Lady J. [Takes letter, shows fright.'] Yes. Ex- 
cuse me. Who brought it ? [Opens letter, takes out 

telegram. 

Waiter. She is here in the passage. 

Lady J. [Opens telegram; shows great alarm. 
Goes to door.'] Ferris. 

Ferris. [Coming to door.] Yes, my lady. 

Lady J. Come in. 

Waiter. Bien, madame. [Exit. 

Lady J. When did this telegram come ? 

Ferris. This afternoon, my lady. The moment 
I got in, Mr. Rawlins said to me, " Mr. Nepean is 
coming back to-night ; I've just had a telegram from 
him to get his room ready. And this telegram is 
for her ladyship," he said, and he gave me that tele- 
gram. "What time will her ladyship be back to- 
night?" he said. "I don't know," I said. 
"Where is her ladyship now ? " he said. " I don't 
know," I said. 

Lady J. You didn't know? 

Ferris. No, my lady. 

Lady J. Then why did you come here ? 

Ferris. The other night when I was bring- 
ing your ladyship's shawl to the tent, I happened to 
hear you mention this hotel. I didn't think any- 
thing of it, your ladyship, and I didn't in the least 
expect to find you here, I assure your ladyship. But 



58 THE LIARS act 11 

I thought your ladyship would like to be apprised 
that Mr. Nepean is coming home to-night, and so 
I came, as I may say by pure chance, my lady ; just 
as you might have come yourself, my lady. 

Lady J. Quite right, Ferris. [To Falkner.] 
Mr. Nepean is coming home to-night. He reaches 
Paddington at ten. 

Ferris. I've got a cab outside, my lady, and 
I've looked out the trains. If we make haste, we 
can drive over to Walton and just catch a train 
there. But we haven't a moment to spare. 

Lady J. Come then. 

Ferris. I hope I've done right, my lady? 

Lady J. Quite right, Ferris. No. Please don't 
trouble to come out, I'd rather you didn't. Rosy 
and I will dine with you some other night. Good- 
night. [Exit Ferris. 

Falkner. [Seizing Lady Jessica's hand.~\ And 
to-morrow? 

Lady J. To-morrow? [Grimace.'] Petits rows 
conjugals — sauce tartare. 

[Exit at door. Falkner enraged, sulky, 
disappointed, takes several tarns about 
the room, kicks a hassock savagely. 

Enter Waiter with two little morsels of caviare. 

Falkner. What's that ? 

Waiter. Caviare on toast. 

Falkner. Hang the caviare. Bring in the soup. 



act ii THE LIARS 59 

Waiter. Ah, it is not yet ready, two, three 
minutes. I am very sorry, but the cook say the 
sauce Marguerite 

Falkner. What about it ? 

Waiter. It will not be made. 

Falkner. Very well. 

Waiter. And the salade ? 

Falkner. What about the salad ? 

Waiter. Will m'sieu mix it ? 

Falkner. No, mix it yourself. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. [Going off. 

Falkner. Waiter ! 

Waiter. Sir ! 

Falkner. [Pointing to the cover laid for Lady 
Jessica.] Take those confounded things away. 

Waiter. Sir ! 

Falkner. Take those confounded things away ; 
I'm going to dine alone. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. 

[Takes up the second cover, and the one 
plate of caviare, leaving the other on 
the table in Falkner' s place. Is go- 
ing off with them. 

Falkner. Bring in the soup. 

Waiter. Bien, m'sieu. 

[Exit with things, leaving door open. Sir 
Christopher's voice heard outside. 

Sir C. Mr. Falkner? 



60 THE LIARS ACT n 

Waiter. Yes, sir. In number ten, sir. 
Sir C. Has he dined? 
Waiter. Not yet, sir. What name, sir? 
Sir C. Oh never mind my name. Show me in. 
Waiter. [At door, announcing."] The friend of 
the dinner. 

Enter Sir Christopher in morning dress. 

\_Exit Waiter. 

Sir C. \_Very cordially. ~\ Ah, dear old boy, here 
you are. [Shaking hands cordially, .] All alone? 

Falkner. [Very sulky. .] Yes. 

Sir C. [Looking at table, .] You haven't dined ? 

Falkner. No. 

Sir C. That's all right. I'll join you. What's 
the matter? 

Falkner. Nothing. 

Sir C. Nothing? 

Falkner. [Very sulky throughout.] No. What 
should be ? 

Sir C. You look upset. 

Falkner. Not at all. 

Sir C. That's all right. [Going up to table very 
ravenously. ~\ I say, old chap, dinner won't be long, 
eh? 

Falkner. No, why? 

Sir C. I'm famished. I was over at Hounslow, I 
had no end of work to get through, so I stuck to it. 
I've had nothing but a biscuit and a glass of sherry 



act ii THE LIARS 61 

since breakfast. I was going up to town for dinner, 
then I remembered you wrote to me from here ; so 
I thought I'd run over on the chance of finding you. 
And here you are. [Cordially.] Well, how are 
you? 

Falkner. I'm very well. 

Sir C. That's all right. And, and about the 
lady? 

Falkner. What about her? 

Sir C. You're going to behave like a good true 
fellow and give her up, eh ? 

Falkner. Yes, I suppose. 

Sir C. That's all right. Love 'em, worship 'em, 
make the most of 'em! Go down on your knees 
every day and thank God for having sent them into 
this dreary world for our good and comfort. But, 
don't break your heart over 'em? Don't ruin your 
career for 'em ! Don't lose a night's rest for 'em ! 
They aren't worth it — except one ! [Very softly. 

Falkner. [Same sulky mood.] You're full of 
good advice. 

Sir C. It's the only thing I am full of. I say, old 
fellow, could you hurry them up with the dinner ? 
[Falkner goes and rings bell. 

Sir C. [Casually taking up the menu.] No, Ned ; 
they're not worth it, bless their hearts. And the man 
who — [Suddenly stops, his face illuminated with de- 
lighted surprised] Ned ! 

Falkner. What ? 



62 THE LIARS act ii 

Sir C. [Pointing to menu.'] This isn't the menu 
for to-night ? 
Falkner. Yes. 

Sir C. [Incredulously.] No! Dear old fellow ! 
[Looking at him with great admiration.] Dear old 
fellow ! I say, Ned, you do yourself very well when 
you're all alone. 

Falkner. Why shouldn't I ? 
Sir C. Why shouldn't you? Why shouldn't 
you ? [Reading menu. 

Falkner. Why shouldn't I? Excuse me a 
moment. 

[Exit at door. Sir Christopher, left alone, 
reads over the menu, showing great 
satis/action, then goes up to sideboard, 
takes up the bottles of wine, looks at 
them, shows great satisfaction, rubs his 
hands, comes up to writing table, hap- 
pens to catch sight of the stylograph pen, 
picks it up, is arrested by something in- 
scribed on it, shows astonishment, comes 
down stage looking at it intently, 
puzzled and surprised. As Waiter re- 
enters with soup, Sir Christopher 
puts stylograph in pocket. 

Waiter. [Putting soup on table.] Mr. Falkner 
say will you please excuse him ? He has gone to 
London just now, this minute. 

Sir C. Gone to London ! 



act ii THE LIARS 63 

Waiter. On very important business. He say- 
will you please make yourself at home with the 
dinner ? 

Sir C. [Puzzled.~] Gone to London ! What on 
earth — \_Resolutely and instantly takes seat at head of 
table. ~\ Serve up the dinner ! Sharp ! 
Waiter. Caviare on toast? 

Sir C. Oh, damn the caviare ! Open the cham- 
pagne ! 

[ Takes the morsel of caviare and throws it 

down his throat ; helps himself to soup, 

peppers it vigorously, meantime Waiter 

opens champagne and pours out a glass. 

Sir C. The fish ! Quick ! 

[Sir Christopher throws spoonful after 
spoonful of soup down his throat. The 
organ outside strikes up in the middle 
of the bar at which it left off, a very 
rowdy street tune. 



curtain. 
( One night passes between Acts II. and III') 



ACT III. 

Scene: Lady Rosamund's drawing-room, Cadogan Gardens, 
a very elegant modern apartment, furnished in good taste. 
Door at back. Door right. Large bow window forming an 
alcove up stage right. Fireplace left. Lady Rosamund dis- 
covered in out-door morning dress. Footman showing in 
Lady Jessica at back. 

Footman. [Announces.'] Lady Jessica Nepean. 

[Exit Footman. 

Lady R. Well, dear ? 

Lady J. [Kisses Lady Rosamund very affection- 
ately.'] Oh, Rosy 

Lady R. What's the matter? 

Lady J. Directly you had gone Ferris came in 
with a telegram from Gilbert, saying he was coming 
home last night. Of course I flew back to town. 
When I got there I found a later telegram saying he 
hadn't been able to finish his business, and that he 
would come back to-day. 

Lady R. [ Taking letter fro?n pocket. ] He reaches 
Paddington at twelve. 

Lady J. How do you know ? 

Lady R. [Giving letter.] Read that. 

Lady J. [Looking at handwriting.] From George 
Nepean. 

64 



act in THE LIARS 65 

Lady R. Yes. He came here an hour ago to see 
me, and left that note. I'm afraid George means to 
be very horrid. 

Lady J. [Reading.] "Dear Lady Rosamund, 
I shall, of course, be quite ready to listen to any ex- 
planation you may have to offer. I will come back 
to Cadogan Gardens on my return from Paddington. 
I am now on my way there to meet Gilbert, who 
arrives from Devon at twelve. It is only fair to tell 
you that on leaving Lady Jessica last evening I tele- 
graphed him I had a most serious communication to 
make to him, and that on his arrival I shall tell him 
exactly what I saw." George does mean to be 
horrid. 

[Retaining letter. 

Lady R. I cannot imagine how you 

Lady J. Oh, do not preach. I tell you it was 
the sign-post. It is most deceptive. 

Lady R. It must be. The next time you come 
to that sign -post 

Lady J. I shall know which turning to take ! 
You needn't fear. 

Lady R. My Freddie's in a small fever. 

Lady J. What about ? 

Lady R. My coming up to town this morning. 

Lady J. You're sure he'll stay down there? He 
won't come up and — interfere? 

Lady R. Oh no, poor old dear ! I snubbed him 
thoroughly and left him grizzling in his tent, like 
6 



66 THE LIARS act hi 

Achilles. He'll stay there all day, fuming and try- 
ing to screw up his courage to have a tremendous 
row with me when I get back to dinner this evening. 
I know my Freddie so well ! 

[Freddie saunters in at back, half timid, 
half defiant. 

Lady R. [Looking at him with amused surprise.^ 
Hillo, my friend ! Hillo ! 

Freddie. [ Very severe and dignified, takes no ?io- 
tice of her.~\ How do, Jess? 

[Lady Jessica alternately reads George's 
letter and looks at Freddie. 

Lady R. What has brought you to town? 

Freddie. I came up with a purpose. 

Lady R. Oh, don't say that. People are always 
so horrid who do things with a purpose. 

Freddie. I came up with Mrs. Crespin. She 
has lost the address of the cook that you gave her 
last evening. I told her you were in town. She 
will call here for it. 

Lady R. [Sweetly. ~\ Very well. 

Freddie. Do you intend to stay in, or go out this 
morning ? 

Lady R. That depends. I may stay in — or I 
may go out. What are you going to do ? 

Freddie. That depends. I may stay in — or — I 
may go out. 

Lady R. Very well, dear, do as you please. I'll 
take the alternative. [To Lady Jessica.] Come 
and take your things off in my room. 



act in THE LIARS 67 

Lady J. \_Glancing at Freddie.] But don't you 
think 

Freddie. [Rising with great dignity, placing him- 
self in front of them.~\ I have come up to town this 
morning, because for the future I intend to place 
everything in this house on a new basis, an entirely 
opposite basis from that on which it now stands. 

Lady R. You're going to turn all the furniture 
upside down ! Oh, I wouldn't ! 

Freddie. Hitherto I have been content to be a 
cipher in this establishment. I will be a cipher no 
longer. 

Lady R. No, I wouldn't. Come along, Jess ! 

Lady J. But [Showing George's letter. 

Lady R. We'll talk it over upstairs. Run away 
to your club, Freddie, and think over what figure you 
would like to be. I daresay we can arrange it. 

[Exit Lady Rosamund, r., taking off Lady 
Jessica, and closing the door rather 
sharply behind her. 

Freddie. [Left alone, marches up to the door, calls 
out in a forcible-feeble scream.~\ I will not be a 
cipher ! I will not be a cipher ! [Comes to centre 
of stage, gesticulates, his lips moving, sits down very 
resolutely, and then says in a tone of solemn convic- 
tio/i] I will not be a cipher ! 

Enter Footman at back, announcing. 

Footman. Sir Christopher Deering ! 



68 THE LIARS act hi 

Enter Sir Christopher. 

\_Exit Footman. 

Sir C. \Shaking hands. ~\ I've just come on from 
Lady Jessica's. They told me I should find her here. 

Freddie. She's upstairs with my wife. 

Sir C. Can I see her for a few minutes? 

Freddie. I don't know. Deering, old fellow, 
we're tiled in, aren't we? If I ask your advice 

Sir C. Certainly, Freddie. What is it ? 

Freddie. I've been married for seven years 

Sir C. Seven years is it? It doesn't seem so 
long. 

Freddie. Oh, doesn't it? Yes, it does. Rosy 
and I have never quite hit it off from the first. 

SirC. No? How's that? 

Freddie. I don't know. When I want to do any- 
thing, she doesn't. When I want to go anywhere 
she won't. When I like anybody, she hates them. 
And when I hate anybody, she likes them. And — 
well — there it is in a nutshell. 

Sir C. Hum ! I should humour her a little, 
Freddie — let her have her own way. Try kindness. 

Freddie. Kindness ? I tell you this, Deering, 
kindness is a grand mistake. And I made that grand 
mistake at starting. I began with riding her on the 
snaffle. I ought to have started on the curb, eh ? 

Sir C. Well, there's something to be said for that 
method in some cases. Kindness won't do, you say? 
Why not try firmness ? 



act in THE LIARS 69 

Freddie. I have. 

SirC. Well? 

Freddie. Well, firmness is all very well, but 
there's one great objection to firmness. 

SirC. What's that? 

Freddie. It leads to such awful rows, and chronic 
rowing does upset me so. After about two days of 
it, I feel so seedy and shaky and nervous, I don't 
know what to do. [Has a sudden wrathful out- 
burst.^ And she comes up as smiling as ever ! 

Sir C. Poor old fellow ! 

Freddie. I say, Deering, what would you advise 
me to do ? 

Sir C. Well, it requires some consideration 

Freddie. [With deep conviction.^ You know, 
Deering, there must be some way of managing them. 

Sir C. One would think so. There must be some 
way of managing them ! 

Freddie. [Has another wrathful outburst. .] And 
I used to go and wait outside her window, night after 
night, for hours ! What do you think of that ? 

Sir C. I should say it was time very badly laid 
out. 

Freddie. [Pursuing his reminiscences."] Yes, and 
caught a chill on my liver and was laid up for six 
weeks. 

Sir C. Poor old fellow ! 

Freddie. I say, Deering what would you do ? 

Sir C. W T ell — well — it requires some considera- 
tion. 



70 THE LIARS act hi 

Freddie. [Walking about. .] You know, Deering, 
I may be an ass 

Sir C. Oh ! 

Freddie. [Firmly. ] Yes. I may be an ass, but 
I'm not a silly ass. I may be a fool, but I'm not a 
d — ee — d Tool! Now there's something going on 
this morning between Rosamund and Jess. They're 
hobnobbing and whispering, and when two of 'em 
get together 

Sir C. Oh, my dear fellow, when two women 
get together, do you think it can ever be worth a 
man's while to ask what nonsense or mischief they're 
chattering ? By the way, did you say that I could 
see Lady Jessica ? 

Freddie. She's upstairs with Rosy. I'll send 
her to you. Deering, if you were married, would 
you be a cipher in your own house ? 

Sir C. Not if I could help it. 

Freddie. [Very determinedly.'] Neither will I. 

[Exit r. 

Sir Christopher, left alone, takes out the stylograph 
and looks at it carefully. I?i a few seconds enter 
Lady Jessica, r. As she enters he drops left 
hand which holds the stylograph. 

Sir C. How d'ye do? 

Lady J. How d'ye do? You wish to see me? 

[Sir Christopher presents the stylograph, 
Lady Jessica shows alarm. 



act in THE LIARS 71 

Sir C. I see from the inscription that this be- 
longs to you. 

Lady J. [Taking stylograph.~\ Where did you 
find it ? 

Sir C. In a private sitting room at the Star and 
Garter at Shepperford. 

Lady J. I must have left it there some time ago. 
I could not imagine where I had lost it. Thank 
you so much. 

Sir C. Pray don't mention it. Good morning. 

{Is going. 

Lady J. Good morning. [Sir Christopher 
has got to door at back.~\ Sir Christopher — [Sir 
Christopher stops. ~\ You were at Shepperford ? 

Sir C. Last evening. 

Lady J. Pretty little spot. 

Sir C. Charming. 

Lady J. And a very good hotel ? 

Sir C. First class. Such splendid cooking ! 

Lady J. The cooking's good, is it? — oh, yes, I 
dined there once, some time ago. 

Sir C. I dined there last night. 

Lady J. Did you? At the table d'hote? 

Sir C. No, in a private sitting room. Number 
ten. 

Lady J. With a friend, I suppose ? 

Sir C. No. All alone. 

Lady J. All alone ? In number ten ? 

Sir C. All alone. In number ten. 



72 THE LIARS act hi 

Lady J. I suppose you — I suppose 



Sir C. Suppose nothing except that I had a re- 
markably good dinner, that I picked up that stylo- 
graph and brought it up to town with me last night. 
And there is an end of the whole matter, I assure 
you. Good morning. [Going. 

Lady J. Good morning. Sir Christopher — you 
— [Sir Christopher is again arrested at door] you 
— a [Sir Christopher comes down to her. 

Lady J. I may trust you? 

Sir C. If I can help you — yes. 

Lady J. Nothing — nothing is known about my 
being there ? 

Sir C. Your being there? 

Lady J. [After a pause — embarrassed.] I was to 
have dined in number ten. 

Sir C. All alone? 

Lady J. [Same embarrassed manner.] No — with 
Mr. Falkner. I was coming up to town from my 
cousin's. I started to walk to the station. I must 
have taken the wrong turning, for instead of -finding 
myself at the station, I found myself at the Star and 
Garter. I was very hungry and I asked Mr. Falkner 
to give me a mere mouthful of dinner. 

Sir C. A mere mouthful. 

Lady J. And then George Nepean caught sight 
of me, came in, saw Mr. Falkner, and telegraphed 
my husband that I — of course Gilbert will believe 
the worst, and I — oh, I don't know what to do ! 



act in THE LIARS 73 

Sir C. Can I be of any service ? 

Lady J. How would you advise me to — to get 
out of it ? 

Sir C. Let us go over the various possibilities of 
the case. There are only two. 

Lady J. What are they ? 

Sir C. Possibility number one — get out of it by 
telling fibs. Possibility number two — get out of it 
by telling the truth. Why not possibility number 
two? 

Lady J. Oh, I couldn't ! 

Sir C. Couldn't what? 

Lady J. Tell my husband that I was going to 
dine with Mr. Falkner. 

Sir C. But it was quite by accident ? 

Lady J. Oh, quite ! Quite ! 

Sir C. Well ? 

Lady J. But if Gilbert made inquiries 

Sir C. Well? 

Lady J. It was such a very good dinner that Mr. 
Falkner ordered. 

Sir C. It was ! It was ! If he didn't expect you, 
why did he order that very excellent dinner ? 

Lady J. I'm sure you ought to be the last person 
to ask that, for it seems you ate it. 

Sir C. I did. 

Lady J. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good ! 

Sir C. I'm not grumbling at the wind, or at the 
dinner, but if I'm to help you out of this, you had 



74 THE LIARS act hi 

better tell me all the truth. Especially as I'm not 
your husband. Now frankly, is this a mere indis- 
cretion, or [Looking at her. 

Lady J. A mere indiscretion, nothing more. 
Honour — really, really honour. 

Sir C. A mere indiscretion that will never be re- 
peated. 

Lady J. A mere indiscretion that will never be 
repeated. You believe me ? 

Sir C. [Looking at her.~] Yes, I believe you, 
and I'll help you. 

Lady J. Thank you ! Thank you ! 

Sir C. Now did Falkner expect you ? 

Lady J. He ought not. 

Sir C. He ought not. But he did. 

Lady J. I told him I shouldn't come. 

Sir C. Which was exactly the same as telling him 
you would. 

Lady J. Have you seen Mr. Falkner? 

Sir C. Only for a minute just before dinner. He 
came up to town. 

Lady J. Without any dinner ? 

Sir C. Without any dinner. To come back to 
these two possibilities. 

Lady J. Yes, Rosy and I have decided on — on 



Sir C. On possibility number one, tell a fib. I 
put that possibility first out of natural deference and 
chivalry towards ladies. The only objection I have 
to telling fibs is that you get found out. 



act in THE LIARS 75 

Lady J. Oh, not always ! I mean, if you arrange 
things not perhaps exactly as they were, but as they 
ought to have been. 

Sir C. I see. In that way a lie becomes a sort 
of idealized and essential truth 

Lady J. Yes. Yes 

Sir C. I'm not a good hand at — idealizing. 

Lady J. Ah, but then you're a man ! No, I 
can't tell the truth. Gilbert would never believe 
me. Would you — after that dinner ? 

Sir C. The dinner would be some tax on my 
digestion. 

Lady Rosamund enters r., followed by Freddie, 
with a self-important and self-assertive air. 

Lady R. Good morning, Sir Christopher. 

Sir C. [Shaking hands. ~\ Good morning, Lady 
Rosamund. 

Lady R. Jess, I've had to tell Freddie. 

Lady J. And I've had to tell Sir Christopher. 
He was at Shepperford last evening, and he has 
promised to help us. 

Freddie. I must say, Jess, that I think you have 
behaved — well — in a — confounded silly way. 

Lady J. That is perfectly understood. 

Freddie. [Solemnly. ] When a woman once for- 
gets what is due 

Lady J. Oh, don't moralize ! Rosy, Sir Chris- 
topher, do ask him not to improve the occasion. 



76 THE LIARS act iii 

Sir C. The question is, Freddie, whether you 
will help us in getting Lady Jessica out of this little 
difficulty. 

Freddie. Well I suppose I must join in. 

Lady J. Now, Rosy, do you fully understand 

Sir C. I don't think I do. What is the exact 
shape which Possibility Number One has taken — or 
is going to take ? 

Lady R. Jess and I had arranged to have a little 
tete-a-tete dinner at Shepperford. Jess got there 
first. I hadn't arrived. George saw Jess at the 
window, and came in. At that moment Mr. Falk- 
ner happened to come into the room, and Jess know- 
ing that appearances were against her, was confused, 
and couldn't on the spur of the moment give the 
right explanation. 

Sir C. I suppose the waiter will confirm that 
right explanation ? 

Lady J. The waiter? I hadn't thought of that. 
Waiters will confirm anything, won't they ? Couldn't 
you settle with the waiter ? 

Sir C. Well, I 

Lady J. You did have the dinner, you know ! 

Sir C. Very well. I'll settle with the waiter. 

Enter Footman. 
Footman. [At back announcing.^ Mrs. Crespin. 
Enter Mrs. Crespin. 

\_Exit Footman. 



act in THE LIARS 77 

Mrs. C. [Shows a little surprise at seeing them all, 
then goes very affectionately to Lady Rosamund.] 
Good morning, dear. Good morning, Sir Chris- 
topher. [Sir Christopher bows. To Freddie.] 
I've seen you. [Goes to Lady Jessica.] Good 
morning, dearest. [Kisses her. 

Lady J. Good morning, dearest. [Kisses her. 

Mrs. C. [To Lady Jessica. Looking anxiously 
at her.~\ You're looking pale and worried. 

Lady J. Me? Oh no, I'm sure I don't, do I? 

Sir C. Not to masculine eyes. 

Mrs. C. [To Lady Rosamund.] Dear, I've lost 
the address of that cook. Would you mind writing 
it out again ? 

Lady R. Certainly. 

[ Goes to writing table and writes. 

Mrs. C. [To Lady Jessica.] What's the matter 
with our dear friend George Nepean ? 

Lady J. Matter? 

Mrs. C. I ran against him in a post office on my 
way from Paddington just now. 

Lady J. Yes? 

Mrs. C. Your husband is quite well, I hope? 

Lady J. My husband? Oh, quite ! He always 
is quite well. Why ? 

Mrs. C. George Nepean seemed so strange. 

Lady J. How ? 

Mrs. C. He said he was going to Paddington to 
meet your husband — and he made so much of it. 



78 THE LIARS act hi 

Lady J. Ah ! You see, my husband is a big man, 
so naturally George would make much of it. 

Mrs. C. I always used to go to the station to 
meet my husband — when I had one. 

Lady J. [A little triumphantly .] Ah ! Rosy and 
I know better than to kill our husbands with too 
much kindness. 

Mrs. C. Still, I think husbands need a little 
pampering 

Sir C. Not at all. The brutes are so easily 
spoilt. A little overdose of sweetness, a little extra 
attention from a wife to her husband, and life is 
never the same again ! 

Freddie. [ Who has been waiting eagerly to get a 
word in.~\ I suppose you didn't mention anything 
to George Nepean about our dining with you last 
evening ? 

Mrs. C. [Alert.'] Did I? Let me see ! Yes! 
Yes ! I did mention that you were over. Why ? 
[ They all look at each other. 

Freddie. Oh, nothing, nothing ! 

Mrs. C. I'm so sorry. Does it matter much? 

Lady J. Not in the least. 

Lady R. Oh, not in the least. 

Freddie. Not in the least. 

Sir C. Not at all. 

Mrs. C. I'm afraid I made a mistake. 

Lady R. How ? 

Mrs. C. Your husband 



act in THE LIARS 79 

Lady R. Oh, my dear, what does it matter what 
my Freddie says or does or thinks, eh, Freddie? 
[Frowning angrily aside at Freddie.] There's the 
address of the cook. 

[Giving the paper on which she had been 
writing. 

Mrs. C. Thank you so much. Good morning, 
dearest. [Kiss. 

Lady R. Good morning, dearest. [Kiss. 

Mrs. C. [Going to Lady Jessica.] Good-bye, 
dearest. [Kiss. 

Lady J. Good-bye, dearest. [Kiss. 

Mrs. C. [ Very sweetly shaking ha?ids.~\ Good- 
bye, Sir Christopher. 

Sir C. Good-bye. [Lady Rosamund rings bell. 

Mrs. C. You are quite sure that I didn't make a 
mistake in telling George Nepean that Lady Rosy 
and Mr. Tatton dined with me last evening ? 

Sir C. It was the truth, wasn't it ? 

Mrs. C. Of course it was. 

Sir C. One never makes a mistake in speaking 
the truth. 

Mrs. C. Really? That's a very sweeping asser- 
tion to make. 

Sir C. I base it on my constant experience — and 
practice. [Footman appears at door at back. 

Mrs. C. You find it always answers to tell the 
truth ? 

Sir C. Invariably. 



So THE LIARS act hi 

Mrs. C. I hope it will in this case. Good-bye ! 
Good- bye ! Good-bye ! 

[Exit Mrs. Crespin. Exit Footman. They 
all stand looking at each other, non- 
plussed. Sir Christopher slightly 
touching his head with perplexed ges- 
ture. 

Sir C. Our fib won't do. 

Lady R. Freddie, you incomparable nincom- 
poop ! 

Freddie. I like that ! If I hadn't asked her, 
what would have happened ? George Nepean would 
have come in, you'd have plumped down on him 
with your lie, and what then? Don't you think it's 
jolly lucky I said what I did ? 

Sir C. It's lucky in this instance. But if I am to 
embark any further in these imaginative enterprises, 
I must ask you, Freddie, to keep a silent tongue. 

Freddie. What for? 

Sir C. Well, old fellow, it may be an unpalatable 
truth to you, but you'll never make a good liar. 

Freddie. Very likely not. But if this sort of 
thing is going on in my house, I think I ought to. 

Lady R. Oh, do subside, Freddie, do subside ! 

Lady J. Yes, George — and perhaps Gilbert — will 
be here directly. Oh, will somebody tell me what 
to do? 

Sir C. We have tried possibility number one. 



ACT III 



THE LIARS Si 



It has signally failed. Why not possibility number 

two? 

Lady J. Tell the truth ? My husband would 

never believe it ! Besides, he threatened that he 

wouldn't spare me. And he won't. No ! No ! 

No ! Somebody dined with me last night, or was 

going to dine with me, and that somebody was a 

woman. _ . ^ . , , 

Enter Footman at pack. 

Footman. [Announcing.] Mrs. Coke ! 

Enter Dolly. 

[Exit Footman. 
Lady J. [Goes affectionately and a little hysteri- 
cally to her.] Dolly ! How good of you ! [Kiss- 
ing her. 
Dolly. What's the matter? 
Lady J. Dolly, you dined with me, or were going 
to dine with me at the Star and Garter at Shepper- 
ford last evening. Don't say you can't, and didn't, 
for you must and did ! 

Dolly. Of course I' 11 say anything that' s — neces- 
sary. 

Lady J. Oh, you treasure ! 

Dolly. But I don't understand 

[Lady Jessica takes her aside and whispers 
eagerly. 
Sir C. [Glancing at Lady Jessica and Dolly.] 
Possibility number one — with variations. I'm not 
required any further. 
7 



82 THE LIARS act III 

[ Takes up his hat and is about to bolt. 

Lady R. Oh, Sir Christopher, you won't desert 
us? 

Sir C. Certainly not, if I can be of any use. But 
if this is to be a going concern, don't you think the 
fewer partners the better ? 

Lady R. Oh, don't go. You can help us so 
much. 

Sir C. How? 

Lady R. Your mere presence will be an immense 
moral support to us. 

Sir C. {Uncomfortable.} Thank you! Thank 
you ! 

Lady R. You can come to our assistance when- 
ever we are in the lurch, corroborate us whenever we 
need corroboration — and 

Sir C. Bolster up generally. 

Lady R. Yes. Besides, everybody knows you 
are such an honourable man. I feel they won't sus- 
pect you. 

Sir C. \Uncomf or table .~\ Thank you ! Thank 
you ! 

Dolly. [To Lady Jessica.] Very well, dear. 
I quite understand. After George went away, you 
were so upset at his suspicions that you came back to 
town without any dinner. Did I stay and have the 
dinner ? 

Sir C. No, no. I wouldn't go so far as that. 

Dolly. But what did I do ? I must have dined 



act in THE LIARS 83 

somewhere, didn't I? Not that I mind if I didn't 
dine anywhere. But won't it seem funny if I didn't 
dine somewhere ? 

Lady J. I suppose it will. 

Dolly. Very well then, where did I dine? Do 
tell me. I know I shall get into an awful muddle if 
I don't know. Where did I dine? 

Enter Footman at back. 

Footman. [Announcing.] Mr. George Nepean. 

Enter George Nepean. 

[Exit Footman. 

George. [Enters very frigidly, bows very coldly. 
Very stiffly.] Good morning, Lady Rosamund ! 
[To the others — bowing.] Good morning. 

Lady R. [ Very cordially. ] My dear George, don ' t 
take that tragic tone. [Insists on shaking hands.] 
Anyone would suppose that something dreadful was 
the matter. I've just explained to Sir Christopher 
your mistake of last night. 

George. My mistake ? 

Lady J. You shouldn't have left so hurriedly, 
George. I sent Mr. Falkner after you to explain. 
Dolly, tell him. 

Dolly. Jess and I had arranged to have a little 
dinner all by our two selves 

George. Indeed ! 

Dolly. There's nothing strange in that, Sir 
Christopher ? 



84 THE LIARS act hi 

Sir C. Not at all. I am sure any person of 
either sex would only be too delighted to dine tete- 
a-tete with you. 

Dolly. And when I got there, I found poor Jess 
in an awful state. She said you had come into the 
room and had made the most horrid accusations 
against her, poor thing ! 

George. I made no accusation. 

Lady J. What did you mean by saying that Gil- 
bert must know ? 

George. Merely that I should tell him what I 
saw. 

Lady J. And you have told him ? 

George. Yes, on his arrival an hour ago. 

Lady J. Where is he ? 

George. Round at Sloane Street waiting till I 
have heard Lady Rosamund's explanation. 

Lady R. Well, you have heard it. Or, rather, 
it's Dolly's explanation. The whole thing is so 
ridiculously simple. I think you ought to beg Jess's 
pardon. 

George. I will when I am sure that I have 
wronged her. 

Freddie. Oh, come, I say, George ! you don't 
refuse to take a lady's word 

Lady R. Freddie, subside ! 

Dolly. \To George.] Poor Jess was so much 
upset by what you said that she couldn't eat any 
dinner, she nearly had hysterics, and when she got a 



act in THE LIARS 85 

little better, she came straight up to town, poor 
thing ! 

George. What was Mr. Falkner doing there? 

Lady J. He was staying in the hotel and happened 
to come into the room at that moment. 

[A little pause. 

Lady R. Is there anything else you would like to 
ask? 

George. No. 

Lady R. And you're quite satisfied? 

George. The question is not whether I'm satis- 
fied, but whether Gilbert will be. I'll go and fetch 
him. Will you excuse me ? [Going. 

Sir C. [Stops him.'] Nepean, I'm sure you don't 
wish to embitter your brother and Lady Jessica's 
whole future life by sowing jealousy and suspicion 
between them. Come now, like a good fellow, you'll 
smooth things over as much as you can. 

George. I shall not influence my brother one 
way or the other. He must judge for himself. 

[Exit at back. Sir Christopher shrugs 
his shoulders. 

Dolly. I got through very well, didn't I ? 

[To Lady Jessica. 

Lady J. Yes, dear. Thank you so much. But 
George didn't seem to believe it, eh? 

Freddie. It's so jolly thin. A couple of women 
dining together ! Why should a couple of women 



86 THE LIARS act hi 

want to dine together? Oh, it's too thin, you 
know ! 

Lady J. And you don't think Gilbert will believe 
it ? He must ! he must ! Oh, I begin to wish that 
we had tried 

Sir C. Possibility number two. I'm afraid it's 
too late now. 

Lady J. Oh, what shall I do? Do you think 
Gilbert will believe Dolly ? 

Lady R. He must if Dolly only sticks to it. 

Dolly. Oh, I'll stick to it. Only I should like 
to know where I dined. Where did I dine ? 

Enter Footman at back, comes tip to Dolly. 

Footman. If you please, ma'am, Mr. Coke is 
waiting for you below. 

Dolly. \Withascream.~\ Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! 
I'd quite forgotten ! 

Lady R. What? 

Dolly. I arranged to meet Archie here and take 
him on to the dentist's. {To Footman.] Tell Mr. 
Coke I'll come in a moment. [Exit Footman. 

Dolly. [To Lady Jessica.] Dear, I must go 



Lady J. You can't ! You must stay now and 
tell Gilbert — mustn't she, Sir Christopher? 

Sir C. I'm afraid you must, Mrs. Coke. You 
are our sheet-anchor. 

Dolly. But what can I tell Archie ? 



act in THE LIARS 87 

Lady R. Can't you put him off, send him away? 

Dolly. What excuse can I make? He is so fid- 
getty and inquisitive. He'll insist on knowing 
everything. No, I must go. 

Lady J. [Desperate.] You can't! You can't ! 
You must stay! Couldn't we tell Archie and ask 
him to help us ? 

Dolly. Oh, I wouldn't tell Archie for the world. 
He wouldn't understand. 

E?iter door at back Archibald Coke, in very correct 
frock coat, very prim and starchy. 

Coke. Good morning, Rosy ! Freddie ! Sir 
Christopher ! [Nodding all round. ~\ Now, Dolly, 
are you ready ? 

Dolly. I — I 

Lady J. She can't go, Archie. 

Coke. Can't go? 

Lady J. She — she isn't well. 

Coke. Not well? [Alarmed.] Not influenza 
again ? 

Dolly. No, not influenza. But I'd rather not go. 

Coke. Oh, nonsense, nonsense ! I cannot take 
the gas alone. [To Sir Christopher.] I've a ter- 
rible dread of the gas. I'm sure they'll give me too 
much some day. Now, Dolly. 

Lady R. [To Sir Christopher.] Gilbert will 
be here directly. Can't you get him away? 

Sir C. Coke, your wife isn't just the thing, as 



88 THE LIARS act hi 

you can see. I'll go to the dentist's with you. 
Come along ! [Linking his arm with Coke's.] I'll 
see they give you the right dose. 

Coke. [Resisting.] No. My wife is the proper 
person to go to the dentist with me, and see that the 
gas is rightly administered. Come, Dolly ! 

Lady J. [Comes desperately to Coke.] Dolly 
can't go ! 

Coke. Why not ? 
, Lady J. She must stay here and tell Gilbert that 
she dined with me last evening. 

Coke. Tell Gilbert that she dined with you last 
evening ! What for ? 

Sir C. [Aside to Lady Rosamund.] We're tak- 
ing too many partners into this concern. 

Coke. She dined with me. Why should she tell 
Gilbert she dined with you ? 

Lady J. If you must know, I was coming to 
the station from Barbara's and I must have taken the 
wrong turning 

Coke. [Very suspicious.] The wrong turning? 

Lady J. Yes, for instead of finding myself at the 
station, I found myself at the Star and Garter. 

Coke. The Star and Garter ? 

Lady J. And as I was frightfully hungry I asked 
Mr. Falkner to give me a little dinner. 

Coke. A little dinner ? 

Lady J. George Nepean happened to come in, 
and seeing the dinner things laid, actually suspected 



act in THE LIARS 89 

me of dining with Mr. Falkner ! And he has told 
Gilbert, and don't you see — if Dolly will only say 
that it was she who was dining with me — don't you 
see? 

Coke. No, I don't. I cannot lend myself to 
anything of the sort. And I expressly forbid Dolly 
to say that she dined with you. 

Lady J. But she has said so. She has just told 
George Nepean. 

Coke. Told George Nepean ! 

Dolly. I couldn't leave poor Jess in a scrape. 
And now I have said so, I must stick to it, mustn't 
I? You wouldn't have me tell another one now. 

Coke. Well, I'm surprised ! Really, I consider 
it quite disgraceful. 

Freddie. Look here, Coke, we can't let Gilbert 
think that Jess was dining with Falkner, can we? 
He'd only make a howling scandal, and drag us all 
into it. We've got to say something. I know it's 
jolly thin, but can you think of a better one ? 

Coke. No, and I decline to have anything to do 
with this ! I should have thought my character was 
too well known for me to be asked to a — a — It is 
too disgraceful ! I will not lend my countenance to 
anything of the kind ! 

Lady R. Very well then, will you please take 
yourself off and leave us to manage the affair our- 
selves ? 

Coke. No, I will not forfeit my self-respect, I 



90 THE LIARS act hi 

will not permit my wife to forfeit her self-respect by 
taking part in these proceedings. Really, it is — it 
is — it is too disgraceful ! 

[Lady Jessica suddenly bursts into tears, 
sobs violently. 

Sir C. [Comes up to him very calm, touches him 
on the shoulder.'] Coke, I assure you that theoretic- 
ally I have as great an objection to lying as you or 
any man living. But Lady Jessica has acted a little 
foolishly. No more. Of that I am sure. If you 
consent to hold your tongue, I think Gilbert Nepean 
will accept your wife's explanation and the affair will 
blow over. If, however, you insist on the truth 
coming out, what will happen ? You will very likely 
bring about a rupture between them, you may pos- 
sibly place Lady Jessica in a position where she will 
have no alternative but to take a fatal plunge, and 
you will drag yourself and your wife into a very un- 
pleasant family scandal. That's the situation. 

Coke. But it places me in a very awkward posi- 
tion. No, really, I cannot consent — I'm an honour- 
able man. 

Sir C. So are we all, all honourable men. The 
curious thing is that ever since the days of the Garden 
of Eden, women have had a knack of impaling us 
honourable men on dilemmas of this kind, where the 
only alternative is to be false to the truth or false to 
them. In this instance I think we may very well 
keep our mouths shut without suffering any violent 
pangs of conscience about the matter. Come now ! 



ACT in THE LIARS 91 

Coke. [Sits down overwhelmed.] Well, under- 
stand me, if I consent to keep my mouth shut, I 
must not be supposed to countenance what is going 
on. That is quite understood? 

Sir C. Oh, quite ! Quite ! We'll consider you 
as strictly neutral. Then you will ? 

Coke. [Rising up, violently.'] No! On second 
thoughts, I really cannot. I cannot ! 

Lady R. Very well ! Then will you go away 
and leave us to manage it as we can ? 

Coke. And I had arranged to take the gas so 
comfortably this morning. It's most unfair to place 
me in a position of this kind. I must protest — I 

really 

Enter Footman. 

Footman. [At back, announcing.] Mr. Gilbert 
Nepean. Mr. George Nepean. 

Enter Gilbert and George Nepean. 

[Exit Footman. 

Lady R. [Advances very cordially to Gilbert, 
who does not respond.] Good morning, Gilbert. 

Gilbert. Good morning. Good morning, Coke. 

Coke. [Very uncomfortable.] Good morning. 

Gilbert. [Nodding.] Freddie ! Deering ! [Looks 
at Lady Jessica, who looks at him. They do not 
speak. Pause, looking round.] I thought I was 
coming here for a private explanation. 



92 



THE LIARS 



[Sir Christopher takes up his hat quickly. 
Is going to bolt. 

Lady R. No, Sir Christopher. If Gilbert is de- 
termined to carry this any further we shall need the 
unbiassed testimony of an impartial friend, so that 
people may know exactly what did occur. Please 
stay. 

Sir C. [Puts down hat.~\ Whew ! [ To himself. ] 

Lady R. Gilbert, don't be foolish. Everybody 
here knows all about the stupid affair of last evening. 

Gilbert. Everybody here knows ? Well, I don't. 

I shall be glad to be informed. [Looks round. 

[Coke shows symptoms of great discomfort. 

Sir C. Nepean, I'm sure you don't wish to make 
any more than is necessary of Lady Jessica's trifling 
indiscretion 

Gilbert. I wish to make no more of it than the 
truth, and I'll take care that nobody makes less of it. 
Now — [To Lady Jessica, very furiously] — you were 
dining with this fellow, Falkner, last evening ? 

Lady J. No. 

Gilbert. No ? Then whom did you dine with ? 

Lady J. If you speak like that I shan't answer 
you. 

Gilbert. Will you tell me what I ask ? 

Lady J. No ! 

Gilbert. I can't get the truth from you. Per- 
haps, as you all know, somebody else will oblige 
me. Coke 



act in THE LIARS 93 

Coke. [Most uncomfortable. ~\ Really, I — I don't 
know all the particulars, and I would prefer not to 
be mixed up in your private affairs. 

Gilbert. Deering — you ? 

Sir C. My dear fellow, I only know what I've 
heard, and hearsay evidence is proverbially untrust- 
worthy. Now, if I may offer you a little advice, if I 
were you I should gently take Lady Jessica by the 
hand, I should gently lead her home, I should gently 
use all those endearing little arts of persuasion and 
entreaty which a husband may legitimately use to his 
wife, and I should gently beguile her into telling 
me the whole truth. I should believe everything 
she told me, I shouldn't listen to what anybody else 
said, and I should never mention the matter again. 
Now, do as I tell you, and you'll be a happy man to- 
morrow, and for the rest of your life. [Pause. 

Gilbert. [Looks at Lady Jessica.] No. [Sir 
Christopher shrugs his shoulders, and retires, ,] I 
came here for an explanation, and I won't go till I've 
got it. 

Lady R. My dear Gilbert, we' re patiently waiting 
to give you an explanation, if you'll only listen to it. 
Dolly, do tell him how it all happened, and let him 
see what a donkey he is making of himself. 

Dolly. Yes, Gilbert, I wish you wouldn't get in 
these awful tempers. You frighten us so that in a 
very little while we shan't know whether we're speak- 
ing the truth, or whether we're not. 



94 THE LIARS act in 

Gilbert. Go on ! Go on ! 

Dolly. Jess and I had arranged to have a little 
tete-a-tete dinner at Shepperford and talk over old 
times, all by our two selves [Coke gets very uncom- 
fortable^ — hadn't we, Jess ? Rosy, you heard us ar- 
ranging it all ? 

Lady R. Yes, on the last night you were at our 
place. 

Dolly. Yes. Well, Jess got there first and then 
Mr. Falkner happened to come into the room, and 
then George happened to come into the room, and 
wouldn't wait to listen to Jess's explanation, would 
he, Jess ? Well, when I got there, I found Jess in 
strong hysterics, poor old dear ! I couldn't get her 
round for ever so long. And as soon as she was 
better she came straight up to town. And that's all. 

[Pause. 

Gilbert. And what did you do ? 

Dolly. I came up to town too. 

Gilbert. Without any dinner? 

Dolly. Eh ? 

Gilbert. Where did you dine ? 

Dolly. I didn't really dine anywhere — not to say 
dine. I had some cold chicken and a little tongue 
when I got home. \_Pause.~\ And a tomato salad. 

Gilbert. Coke, what do you know of this ? 

Coke. Well — I know what Dolly has just told 
you. 

Gilbert. You allow your wife to dine out alone ? 



act in THE LIARS 95 

Coke. Yes — yes — on certain occasions. 

Gilbert. And you knew of this arrangement ? 

Coke. Yes, — at least, no — not before she told 
me of it. But after she told me, I did know. 

George. But Jessica said that she expected a 
small party. 

Dolly. I was the small party. 

Gilbert. [To Coke.] What time did Dolly get 
home last evening? 

Coke. Eh? Well, about 

Dolly. A little before nine. 

George. Impossible ! I was at Shepperford 
after half past seven. If Lady Jessica had hysterics, 
and you stayed with her, you could scarcely have 
reached Kensington before nine. 

Dolly. Well, perhaps it was ten. Yes, it was 
ten. 

Gilbert. Coke, were you at home last evening 
when your wife got back ? 

Coke. I ? No — yes, yes — no — not precisely. 

Gilbert. [Growing more indignant. ~\ Surely 
you must know whether you were at home or not 
when your wife returned ? 

Coke. No, I don't. And I very much object to 
be cross-questioned in this manner. I've told you 
all I know, and — I — I withdraw from the whole 
business. Now, Dolly, are you ready? 

Gilbert. No, stop ! I want to get at the bottom 
of this and I will. [Coming furioiisly to Lady 



96 THE LIARS act hi 

Jessica.] Once more, will you give me your version 
of this cock-and-bull story ? 

Enter Footman at back. 

Footman. [Announcing.'] Mr. Falkner ! 

Gilbert. Ah ! 

Sir C. Nepean ! Nepean ! Control yourself ! 

Enter Falkner. 

[Exit Footman. 

Gilbert. Let me be, Deering. [Going to 
Falkner.] You were at Shepperford last evening. 
My wife was there with you ? 

Falkner. I was at Shepperford last evening. 
Lady Jessica was there. She was dining with Lady 
Rosamund 

Lady R. No ! No ! 

Gilbert. Lady Jessica was dining with Lady 
Rosamund ? 

Falkner. I understood her to say so, did I not, 
Lady Rosamund ? 

Lady R. No ! No ! It was Mrs. Coke who was 
dining with Lady Jessica. 

Falkner. Then I misunderstood you. Does it 
matter ? 

Gilbert. Yes. [Going to him.~\ I want to know 
what the devil you were doing there ? 

Sir C. Nepean ! Nepean ! 

Gilbert. Do you hear? What the devil were 
you doing there ? Will you tell me, or 



act in THE LIARS 97 

[Trying to get at Falkner. Sir Christo- 
pher holds him back. 

Lady J. [Rises very quietly. ~\ Mr. Falkner, tell 
my husband the truth. 

Falkner. But, Lady Jessica 

Lady J. Yes if you please — the truth, the whole 
truth, and nothing but the truth. Tell him all. I 
wish it. 

Gilbert. You hear what she says. Now then, 
the truth — and be damned to you ! 

Falkner. [Looks round, then after a pause, with 
great triumph. ~\ I love Lady Jessica with all my 
heart and soul ! I asked her to come to me at Shep- 
perford last evening. She came. Your brother saw 
us and left us. The next moment Lady Rosamund 
came, and she had scarcely gone when the maid 
came with your telegram and took Lady Jessica back 
to town. If you think there was anything more on 
your wife's side than a passing folly and amusement 
at my expense, you will wrong her. If you think 
there is anything less on my side than the deepest, 
deepest, deepest love and worship, you will wrong me. 
Understand this. She is guiltless. Be sure of that. 
And now you've got the truth, and .be damned to 
you. [Goes to door at back — turns. ~\ If you want 
me you know where to find me. [To Lady Jes- 
sica.] Lady Jessica, I am at your service — al- 
ways ! 

[Exit at back. They all look at each other. 



98 THE LIARS act hi 

Sir C. {Very softly to himself. ~\ Possibility 
Number Two — with a vengeance ! 



CURTAIN. 

{A few hours fro?n morning till evening, pass between 
Acts III. and IV.) 



ACT IV. 

Scene : Drawing-room in Sir Christopher's flat in Victoria 
Street. At back left a large recess, taking up half the stage. 
The right half is taken up by an inner room furnished as 
library and smoking-room. Curtains dividing library from 
drawing-room. Door up stage L. A table down stage, R. 
The room is in great confusion, with portmanteau open, 
clothes, etc. , scattered over the floor ; articles which an 
officer going to Central Africa might want are lying about. 

Time : night, about half -past nine o' clock. 

Sir Christopher and Taplin are busy packing. 
Ring at door. 

Sir Christopher. See who it is, Taplin ; and 
come back and finish packing the moment I am dis- 
engaged. 

[Exit Taplin. He re-enters in a few mo- 
ments showing in Beatrice in evening 
dress. Sir Christopher goes to her, 
and shakes hands cordially. Exit 
Taplin. 

Bea. I was out dining when you called. But I 
got your message and I came on at once. 

Sir C. I couldn't wait. I had to come back and 
pack. [Going on with his packing. ~\ I haven't one 
half-moment to spare. 

99 



ioo THE LIARS act iv 

Bea. When do you start ? 

Sir C. To-morrow morning. It's very urgent. 
I've been at the War Office all the afternoon. You'll 
excuse my going on with this. I've three most im- 
portant duties to fulfil to-night. 

Bea. What are they? 

Sir C. [Packing.'] I've got to pack. I've got 
to persuade Ned to come out there with me — if I can. 
And I've got [looking straight at her~\ to make you 
promise to be my wife when I come home again. 

Bea. Oh, Kit, you know what I've told you so 
often ! 

Sir C. [Packing always.] Yes, and you're tell- 
ing it me again, and wasting my time when every 
moment is gold. Ah, dear, forgive me, you know I 
think you're worth the wooing. And you know I'm 
the man to woo you. And you know I'm ready to 
spend three, five, seven, fourteen or twenty-one 
years in winning you. But if you'd only say " Yes ' ' 
this minute, and let me pack and see Ned, you' d save 
me such a lot of trouble. And I'll do all the love- 
making when I come back. 

Bea. Where is Ned ? 

Sir C. Playing the fool for Lady Jessica. Poor 
fellow ! There never was but one woman in this 
world that was worth playing the fool for, and I'm 
playing the fool for her. I've sent for Ned to come 
here. That's a digression. Come back to brass- 
tacks. You'll be my wife when I come home? 



act iv THE LIARS 101 

Bea. Let me think it over, Kit. 

Sir C. No. You've had plenty of time for that. 
I can't allow you to think it over any longer. 

Bea. But it means so much to me. Let me write 
to you out there. 

Sir C. [Very determinedly.] No. [Leaves his 
packing, takes out his watch.~\ It's a little too bad 
of you when I'm so pressed. [Comes to her.~\ Now, 
I can only give you five minutes, anpl it must ab- 
solutely be fixed up in that time. [Coming to her 
with great tenderness and passion."] Come, my dear, 
dear chum, what makes you hesitate to give yourself 
to me ? You want me to come well out of this, 
don't you ? 

Bea. You know I do ! 

Sir C. Then you don't love your country if you 
won't have me. Once give me your promise, and 
it will give me the pluck of fifty men ! Don't you 
know if I'm sure of you I shall carry everything 
before me? 

Bea. Will you ? Will you ? But if you were to 
die 

Sir C. I won't die if you're waiting to be my 
wife when I come home. And you will ? You will ? 
I won' t hear anything but ' ' Yes. ' ' You shan' t move 
one inch till you've said "Yes." Now! say it ! 
Say " Yes ! " Say " Yes " — do you hear ? 

Bea. [Throwing herself into his arms.] Yes ! 
Yes ! Yes ! Take me ! Take me ! 



102 THE LIARS act iv 

Sir C. [Kissing her very reverently .] My wife 
when I come home again. [A pause. 

Bea. You know, Kit, I can love very deeply. 

Sir C. And so you shall, when I come home 
again. And so will I when I come home again. 
[Looking at his watch.~\ A minute and a quarter ! 
I must get on with my packing. Play something to 
me while I pack. 

Bea. [Going to piano. Stops. ] Kit, there will 
be some nursing and other woman's work out there? 

Sir C. Yes, I suppose 

Bea. I'll come with you. 

Sir C. Very well. How long will it take you to 
pack ? 

Bea. Half an hour. 

Sir C. All right ! I must wait here for Ned. 
Come back and have some supper by-and-by ? 

Bea. Yes — in half an hour. 

Sir C. We might be married at Cairo — on our 
way out? 

Bea. Just as you please. 

Sir C. Or before we start to-morrow morning ? 

Bea. Will there be time ? 

Sir C. Oh, I'll find time for that ! What do you 
say? 

Bea. Just as you please. 

Sir C. Very well, I'll fix that up. 

Enter Taplin. 



ACT IV 



THE LIARS 103 



Taplin. Mr. Gilbert Nepean is below, Sir Chris- 
topher. 

Sir C. {Glancing at his packing.} Show him 
up, Taplin. [Exit Taplin. 

Sir C. {Holding Beatrice's hand.~\ To-morrow 
morning, then? 

Bea. Yes, I've given you some trouble to win me, 
Kit? 

Sir C. No more than you're worth. 

Bea. I'll give you none now you have won me. 

Enter Taplin. 

Taplin. {Announcing.'] Mr. Gilbert Nepean. 

Enter Gilbert Nepean. 

{Exit Taplin. 

Bea. How d'ye do? 

Gilbert. How d'ye do? {Shaking hands. 

Bea. And good-bye. {To Sir Christopher.] 
No, I won't have you come down all those stairs, 
indeed I won't. Au revoir. {Exit. 

Gilbert. Excuse my coming at this hour. 

Sir C. I'm rather pressed. What can I do for 
you ? 

Gilbert. I've been down to Shepperford this 
afternoon. It seems you dined there last evening. 

Sir C. I did. 

Gilbert. I want to get all the evidence. 

SirC. What for? 



104 THE LIARS act iv 

Gilbert. To guide me in my future action. 
Deering, I trust you. Can I take that fellow's word 
that my wife is guiltless ? 

Sir C. I'm sure you can. 

Gilbert. How do you know ? 

Sir C. Because he'd give his head to tell you 
that she is not. 

Gilbert. Why ? 

Sir C. It would give him the chance he is wait- 
ing for — to take her off your hands. 

Gilbert. Take her off my hands — he's waiting 
for that ? 

Sir C. Don't you see he is ? And don't you see 
that you're doing your best to make him successful? 

Gilbert. How ? 

Sir C. Don't think when you've married a 
woman that you can sit down and neglect her. You 
can't. You've married one of the most charming 
women in London, and when a man has married a 
charming woman, if he doesn't continue to make 
love to her, some other man will, such are the sad 
ways of humankind ! How have you treated Lady 
Jessica ? 

Gilbert. But do you suppose I will allow my 
wife to go out dining with other men ? 

Sir C. The best way to avoid that is to take her 
out to dinner yourself — and to give her a good one. 
Have you dined to-night ? 

Gilbert. Dined? No ! I can't dine till I know 
what to believe. 



act iv THE LIARS 105 

Sir C. The question is, what do you want to be- 
lieve ? If you want to believe her innocent, take 
the facts as they stand. If you want to believe her 
guilty, continue to treat her as you are doing, and 
you'll very soon have plenty of proof. And let me 
tell you, nobody will pity you. Do you want to 
believe her innocent ? 

Gilbert. Of course I do. 

Sir C. Where is she ? 

Gilbert. I don't know — at home, I suppose. 

Sir C. Go home to her — don't say one word 
about what has happened, and invite her out to the 
very best dinner that London can provide. 

Gilbert. But after she has acted as she has done ? 

Sir C. My dear fellow, she's only a woman. I 
never met but one woman that was worth taking 
seriously. What are they? A kind of children, 
you know. Humour them, play with them, buy. 
them the toys they cry for, but don't get angry with 
them. They aren't worth it ! Now I must get on 
with my packing. 

[Sir Christopher sets to work packing. 
Gilbert walks up and down the room, 
biting his nails, deliberating. Gil- 
bert, after a moment or two, speaks. 

Gilbert. Perhaps you're right, Deering. 

Sir C. Oh, I know I am ! 

Gilbert. I'll go to her. 

Sir C. \_Busy packing, .] Make haste, or you 
may be too late. 



106 THE LIARS act iv 

[Gilbert goes to door. At that moment 
enter Taplin. 

Taplin. [Announcing.'] Mr. Falkner ! 

Enter Falkner. 

[Exit Taplin. Gilbert and Falkner 
stand for a moment looking at each other. 
Exit Gilbert ; Falkner looks after 
him. 

Sir C. Well? 

Falkner. [Very elated.] You want to see me ? 

Sir C. Yes. You seem excited. 

Falkner. I've had some good news. 

Sir C. What? 

Falkner. The best. She loves me. 

Sir C. You've seen her? 

Falkner. No. 

Sir C. Written to her ? 

Falkner. Yes. I've just had this answer. 

[ Taking out letter. 

Sir C. Where is she ? 

Falkner. Still at her sister's. [Reading.] "I 
shall never forget the words you spoke this morning. 
You were right in saying that your love would not 
be wasted. I have learned at last what it is worth. 
You said you would be at my service always. Do 
not write again. Wait till you hear from me, and 
the moment I send for you, come to me." I knew 
I should win her at last, and I shall ! 



act iv THE LIARS 107 

Sir C. Apres ? 

Falkner. What does it matter? If I can per- 
suade her I shall take her out to Africa with me. 

Sir C. Africa? Nonsense ! There's only one 
woman in the world that's any use in that part of 
the globe, and I'm taking her out myself. 

Falkner. Beatrice ? 

Sir C. We are to be married to-morrow morn- 
ing. 

Falkner. I congratulate you — with all my heart. 
[Shaking hands warmly. 

Sir C. Thank you. [Pause. ] You'll come with 
us, Ned? 

Falkner. If she will come too. 

Sir C. Oh, we can't have her. 

Falkner. Why not ? 

Sir C. In the first place, she'd be very much in 
the way. In the second place — it's best to be frank 
— Lady Deering will not recognize Lady Jessica. 

Falkner. Very well. [Turns on heel.~\ Good- 
night, Kit ! [Very curtly. 

Sir C. No. [Takes out watch. Glances at 
pa eking. ~\ Now, my dear old Ned, you're still up 
that everlasting cul-de-sac — playing the lover to a 
married woman, and I've got to drag you out of it. 

Falkner. It's no use, Kit. My mind is made 
up. Let me go. 

Sir C. To the devil with Lady Jessica? No, I'm 
going to stop you. 



108 THE LIARS act iv 

Falkner. Ah, you'll stop me ! How? 

Sir C. There was a time when one whisper would 
have done it. [Whispers.] Duty. [Falkner moves 
uneasily away. Follows him up.~\ You know that 
you're the only man who can treat peaceably with 
the chiefs. You know that your going out may save 
hundreds, perhaps thousands of lives. 

Falkner. I'm not sure of that. 

Sir C. You're not sure ? Well then, for Heaven's 
sake, try it — put it to the test. But you know there's 
every chance. You know the whole country is wait- 
ing for you to declare yourself. You know that you 
have a splendid chance of putting the crown on your 
life's work, and you know that if you don't seize it, 
it will be because you stay here skulking after 
her! 

Falkner. Skulking ! 

Sir C. What do you call it ? What will every- 
body call it? Ned, you've faced the most horrible 
death day after day for months. You've done some 
of the bravest things out there that have been done 
by any Englishman in this generation ; but if you 
turn tail now there's only one word will fit you to 
the end of your days, and that word is " Coward !" 

Falkner. Coward ! 

Sir C. Coward ! And there's only one epitaph 
to be written on you by-and-by — " Sold his honor, 
his fame, his country, his duty, his conscience, his all, 
for a petticoat !" 



ACT IV THE LIARS 109 

Falkner. Very well, then, when I die write that 
over me. I tell you this, Kit, if I can only win her 
—and I shall, I shall, I feel it— she' 11 leave that man 
and come to me ; and then !— I don't care one snap 
of the fingers if Africa is swept bare of humanity 
from Cairo to Cape Town, and from Teneriffe to 
Zanzibar ! Now argue with me after that ! 

Sir C. Argue with you ? Not I ! But I wish to 
God there was some way of kidnapping fools into 
sense and reason, and locking them up there for the 
rest of their lives. 

Enter Taplin. 

Taplin. [Announcing.'] Lady Jessica Nepean, 
Lady Rosamund Tatton. 

Enter Lady Jessica and Lady Rosamund. 

[Exit Taplin. 

[Lady Jessica shows delighted surprise at 

seeing Falkner, goes to him cordially. 

Lady Rosamund tried to stop Lady 

Jessica from going to Falkner. 

V Lady J. [To Falkner.] I didn't expect to find 

you here. 

Falkner. I am waiting for you. 

Lady R. [Interposing^ No, Jess, no. Sir Chris- 
topher ! [Aside to him.] Help me to get her away 

from him. 

[Lady Jessica and Falkner are talking 

vigorously together. 



no THE LIARS act iv 

Sir C. One moment. Perhaps we may as well 
get this little matter fixed up here and now. [Takes 
out watch, looki?ig ruefully at his packing. ~\ Lady Jes- 
sica, may I ask what has happened since I left you 
this morning ? 

Lady J. Nothing. My husband went away in a 
rage. I've stayed with Rosy all day. 

Lady R. We've been talking it all over. 

Lady J. Oh, we' ve been talking it all over — [ Ges- 
ture^ — and over and over, till I'm thoroughly — sea- 
sick of it ! 

Lady R. And so I persuaded her to come and 
talk it over with you. 

Sir C. [Glancing at his packing, to Lady Jes- 
sica.] You can't arrive at a decision ? 

Lady J. Oh, yes, I can ; only Rosy won't let me 
act on it. 

Lady R. I should think not. 

Sir C. What is your decision ? 

Lady J. I don't mind for myself. I feel that 
everything is in a glorious muddle and I don't care 
how I get out of it, or whether I get out of it at all. 

Sir C. But on the whole the best way of getting 
out of it is to run away with Mr. Falkner ? 

Lady J. Mr. Falkner has behaved splendidly to 
me. 

Sir C. He has ! Dear old fellow ! He's a 
brick ! [Giving Falkner an affectionate little hug 
around the shoulder s.~\ And I'm quite sure that in 



act iv THE LIARS in 

proposing to ruin your reputation, and make you 
miserable for life, he is actuated by the very best in- 
tentions. 

Lady J. I don't care whether I'm happy or miser- 
able for the rest of my life. 

Sir C. You don't care now, but you will to- 
morrow morning, and next week, and next year, 
and all the years after. 

Lady J. No, I shan't ! I won't ! 
Falkner. I'll take care, Lady Jessica, that you 
never regret this step. Your mind is quite made up ? 
Lady J. Yes, quite. 
Falkner. Then no more need be said. 

[Offering arm. Gesture of despair from 
Lady Rosamund. Sir Christopher 
soothes her. 
Sir C. One moment, Ned ! {Takes out his 
watch, looks ruefully at his packing, half aside. ~\ 
Good Lord ! when shall I get on with my packing ? 
[Puts watch in pocket, faces Falkner and Lady 
Jessica very resolutely .] Now ! I've nothing to 
say in the abstract against running away with another 
man's wife? There may be planets where it is not 
only the highest ideal morality, but where it has the 
further advantage of being a practical way of carry- 
ing on society. But it has this one fatal defect in 
our country to-day — it won't work ! You know 
what we English are, Ned. We're not a bit better 
than our neighbors, but, thank God ! we do pretend 



H2 THE LIARS act iv 

we are, and we do make it hot for anybody who 
disturbs that holy pretence. And take my word for 
it, my dear Lady Jessica, my dear Ned, it won't 
work. You know it's not an original experiment 
you're making. It has been tried before. Have 
you ever known it to be successful ? Lady Jessica, 
think of the brave pioneers who have gone before 
you in this enterprise. They've all perished, and 
their bones whiten the anti-matrimonial shore. 
Think of them ! Charley Gray and Lady Rideout 
— flitting shabbily about the Continent at cheap 
table d 1 holes and gambling clubs, rubbing shoulders 
with all the blackguards and demi-mondaines of 
Europe. Poor old Fitz and his beauty — moping 
down at Farnhurst, cut by the county, with no single 
occupation except to nag and rag each other to 
pieces from morning to night. Billy Dover and 
Polly Atchison — cut in for fresh partners in three 
weeks. That old idiot, Sir Bonham Dancer — paid 
five thousand pounds damages for being saddled 
with the professional strong man's wife. George 
Nuneham and Mrs. Sandys — George is conducting a 
tramcar in New York, and Mrs. Sandys — Lady 
Jessica, you knew Mrs. Sandys, a delicate, sweet 
little creature, I've met her at your receptions — she 
drank herself to death, and died in a hospital- 
[Lady Jessica moves a little away from Falkner, who 
pursues her.~\ Not encouraging, is it? Marriage 
may be disagreeable, it may be unprofitable, it may 



act iv THE LIARS 113 

be ridiculous ; but it isn't as bad as that ! And do 
you think the experiment is going to be successful in 
your case ? Not a bit of it ! [Falkner is going to 
speak.'] No, Ned, hear me out. [Turns to Lady 
Jessica.] First of all there will be the shabby scan- 
dal and dirty business of the divorce court. You 
won't like that. It isn't nice ! You won't like it. 
After the divorce court, what is Ned to do with you. 
Take you to Africa ? I do implore you, if you hope 
for any happiness in that state to which it is pleasing 
Falkner and Providence to call you, I do implore 
you, don't go out to Africa with him. You'd never 
stand the climate and the hardships, and you' d bore 
each other to death in a week. But if you don't go 
out to Africa, what are you to do? Stay in England, 
in society ? Everybody will cut you. Take a place 
in the country ? Think of poor old Fitz down at 
Farnhurst ! Go abroad ? Think of Charley Gray 
and Lady Rideout. Take any of the other dozen 
alternatives and find yourself stranded in some shady 
hole or corner, with the one solitary hope and ambi- 
tion of somehow wriggling back into respectability. 
That's your side of it, Lady Jessica. As for Ned 
here, what is to become of him? [Angry gesture 
from Falkner.] Yes, Ned, I know you don't want 
to hear, but I'm going to finish. Turn away your 
head. This is for Lady Jessica. He's at the height 
of his career, with a great and honourable task in 
front of him. If you turn him aside you'll not only 
9 



H4 THE LIARS act iv 

wreck and ruin your own life and reputation, but 
you'll wreck and ruin his. You won't ! You won't ! 
His interests, his duty, his honour all lie out there. 
If you care for him, don't keep him shuffling and 
malingering here. Send him out with me to finish 
his work like the good, splendid fellow he is. Set 
him free, Lady Jessica, and go back to your home. 
Your husband has been here. He's sorry for what is 
past, and he has promised to treat you more kindly 
in the future. He's waiting at home to take you out. 
You missed a very good dinner last night. Don't 
miss another to-night. I never saw a man in a better 
temper than your husband. Go to him, and do, once 
for all, have done with this other folly. Do believe 
me, my dear Ned, my dear Lady Jessica, before it is 
too late, do believe me, it won't work, it won't work, 
it won't work ! [A little pause. 

Lady J. I think you're the most horrid man I 
ever met ! 

Sir C. Because I've told you the truth. 

Lady J. Yes, that's the worst of it ! It is the 
truth. 

Lady R. It's exactly what I've been telling her 
all the afternoon. 

Falkner. Lady Jessica, I want to speak to you 
alone. 

Lady J. What's the use ? We've got to part. 

Falkner. No ! No ! 

Lady J. Yes, my friend. I won't ruin your 



act iv THE LIARS 115 

career. We've got to part : and the fewer words the 
better. 

Falkner. I can't give you up. 
Lady J. You must ! Perhaps it's best. You can 
always cherish your fancy portrait of me, and you'll 
never find out how very unlike me it is. And I shall 
read about you in the newspapers and be very proud 
— and — come along, Rosy ! 

[Going off. Falkner is going after her. 
Sir C. [Stopping him.~\ It can answer no pur- 
pose, Ned. 

Falkner. What the devil has it got to do with 
you? You've taken her from me. Leave her to me 
for a few minutes. Lady Jessica, I claim to speak 
to you alone 

Lady J. It can only be to say " Good-bye." 
Falkner. I'll never say it. 
Lady J. Then I must. Good-bye ! 
Falkner. No — say it to me alone. 

Lady J. It can only be that — no more 

Falkner. Say it to me alone. [Pointing to cur- 
tains. 
Lady J. Rosy, wait for me. I won't be a minute. 
[Going to Falkner. Lady Rosamund 
makes a little movement to stop her. Sir 
Christopher by a gesture silences 
Lady Rosamund and allows Lady 
Jessica to pass through the curtains 
where Falkner has preceded her. 



u6 THE LIARS act iv 

Sir C. [To Lady Jessica.] Remember his 
future is at stake as well as yours. Only the one 
word. 

Lady J. [As she passes through curtains .] Only 
the one word. 

Sir C. [To Lady Rosamund.] You'll excuse 
my packing. I've not a moment to waste. 

Enter Taplin. 

Taplin. Mr. Gilbert Nepean, Sir Christopher ; 
he says he must see you. 

Sir C. You didn't say Lady Jessica was here? 
Taplin. No, Sir Christopher. 
Sir C. I'll come to him. 

[Exit Taplin. Lady Rosamund passes be- 
tween the curtains. Sir Christopher 
is going to door, meets Gilbert Nepean 
who enters very excitedly. 

Gilbert. Deering, she's not at home ! She's not 
at her sister's. You don't think she has gone to that 
fellow ? 

Sir C. Make yourself easy. She is coming back 
to you. 

Gilbert. Where is she ? 

Sir C. Will you let me take a message to her ? 
May I tell her that for the future you will treat her 
with every kindness and consideration ? 



act iv THE LIARS 117 

Gilbert. Yes — yes. Say — oh — tell her what 
you please. Say I know I've behaved like a bear. 
Tell her I'm sorry, and if she'll come home I'll do 
my best to make her happy in future. 

Sir C. And [taking out watch~\ it's rather 
too late for dinner, may I suggest an invitation 
to supper? 

Gilbert. Yes, — yes. 

Sir C. Lady Rosamund 

[Peeping through curtains. 

Lady Rosamund enters. 
Gilbert. You 



[Going towards curtains. Sir Christo- 
pher i?itercepts him. 

Lady R. We stepped over to ask Sir Christopher' s 
advice. 

Sir C. And, strange to say, they've taken it. 

Gilbert. [Trying to get to curtains.'] Where is 
Jessica ? 

Sir C. [Stopping him.'] No. I'm to take the 
message. Lady Jessica, your husband is waiting to 
take you to supper. [To Gilbert.] At the 
Savoy ? 

Gilbert. Anywhere — I don't mind. 

Sir C. At the Savoy. You've only just time to 
go home and dress. 



n8 THE LIARS act iv 

[Lady Jessica draws curtains aside, turns 

and throws a last agonized adieu to 

Falkner who stands speechless and 

helpless. Lady Jessica then controls 

her features and comes out to Gilbert. 

The curtains close. 

Gilbert. Will you come home and dress and go 

to the Savoy to supper? [Offering arm. 

Lady J. Delighted. [Taking his arm. 

Gilbert. And you, Rosy? 

Lady R. I can't. [Looking at watch.~\ It's 
nearly ten o'clock ! Good-night, Sir Christopher. 
Good-night, dearest. [Kissing Lady Jessica.] 
Good-night, Gilbert. Take care of her, or you'll 
lose her. Excuse my running away, I must get back 
to my poor old Freddie. 

[Exit Lady Rosamund. Falkner' s face 
appears through the curtains. Lady 
Jessica sees it. 

Sir C. Good-night, Lady Jessica, and good-bye ! 
Lady J. Good-night, Sir Christopher, and — [at 
Falkner] one last "Good-bye." 

[She looks towards curtains as if about to 
break away from Gilbert and go to 
Falkner. 
Sir C. Good-night, Nepean ! 
Gilbert. Good-night, Deering. 



act iv THE LIARS 119 

Sir C. Try and keep her. She's worth the 
keeping. 

Gilbert. I'll try. What would you like for sup- 
per, Jess? 

Lady J. Could they give me some sauce Arcadi- 
enne? 

[Looking at Falkner. Exeunt Lady 
Jessica and Gilbert. Sir Christo- 
pher goes towards door with them; 
Falkner comes forward in great de- 
spair from curtains, throws himself into 
chair against table, buries his face in 
his hands. 

Sir C. \_Goes to him very affectionately. ~\ Come ! 
Come ! My dear old Ned ! This will never do ! 
And all for a woman ! They aren' t worth it. [Softly. ] 
Except one ! They aren't worth it. Come, buckle 
on your courage ! There's work in front of you, 
and fame, and honour ! And I must take you out 
and bring you back with flying colours ! Come ! 
Come ! My dear old fellow ! 

Falkner. Let me be for a minute, Kit. Let me 
be! 

Enter Beatrice. Sir Christopher goes to her. 

Bea. What's the matter? 

Sir C. Hush ! Poor old chap ! He's hard hit ! 
Everybody else seems to be making a great mess of 
their love affairs. We won't make a mess of ours? 



120 THE LIARS act iv 

Bea. No. [Goes to Falkner.] You'll get over 
this, Ned? We'll help you. You'll get over it ? 

Falkner. [Rising with great determination.] Yes, 
I shall pull round. I'll try ! I'll try ! To-mor- 
row, Kit? We start to-morrow? 

Sir C. [Putting one arm around each affection- 
ately.] To-morrow ! My wife ! My friend ! My 
two comrades ! 



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